Quotes 'R' Us:   http://quote.mattdm.org/

  Everyone has a list of amusing things their friends once said.
  Immortalize yours here, or get a quote from our database.
%
Quotes 'R' Us:   http://quote.mattdm.org/

  Many sites list famous boring quotations and worn-out ageless wisdom.
  Quotes 'R' Us isn't one of them. We're collecting all the amusing things
  said by your friends, relatives, and roommates. Stop by and read a few
  from our database, or add your own.
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"That's not a network! That's HELL!"
                   -- Paul
%
"Australia, Austria.... whatever."
                   -- Paul
%
"The LocalNet: We're equipped for the collapse of society. How about you?"
                   -- Matt (proposing a new slogan for TLN)
%
"I got nine megs of NOUNS!"
                   -- Paul
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"Please do not hang up, as this could further delay your call."
                   --Seagate's automated phone system.
%
"Why am I looking up 'Hampshire'? I should be looking for 'New'...."
                   -- Paul
%
La Chica Ica El Taco?
                -- Alison, in reference to our local La Chiquita supermarket
%
I blew on people back home.  And they got really mad.  And I felt bad,
because that was a habit I had gotten into.

                   -- Alison
%
There's...There's the window.  

[Three hours pass.]

You know when I said there's the window I was going to say there's the moon,
but then I thought, maybe it's just a street light, and I didn't want to
sound stupid.
                   -- Alison
%
Can you image me in England doing anything besides peeing?
                   -- Alison
%
Your body knows what a bed is.
                   -- Laura Yoder
%
Matt's hand is neither spiral-bound nor purple.
                   -- Paul
%
Sleeping around? You think I'm some kinda napping whore?
                   -- Philip
%
Don't let people come over for Thanksgiving.  They'll eat all your food.
                   -- Paul
%
No! You can't work now! It's Friday night.  Don't you know what
God thinks of that?
                   -- Naela
%
We apologize for recommending the obvious, but please confirm that you are
going in a clockwise direction.
 
               -- NASA Mission Control to shuttle astronauts, who spent
                  hours wrestling with a malfunctioning door handle before
                  canceling a scheduled spacewalk
%
Cats ARE triangles.
                   -- Paul
%
What _is_ the recommended daily allowance for arsenic?

           -- Paul, in response to a bottle of colloidial minerals
%
May I never have sex with ANYONE.
                   -- Alison
%
She has moments when she seems stable, but then so does nitroglycerin.
                   -- Dan
%
The only way was for Jesus to come in the form of a sinful parson.
 
                   -- Alison's Christian Ethics notes.
%
Boneless beef bottom sirloin butt-ball tips!!!

         -- in big letters on a cardboard box found along the railroad tracks.
%
Math is like going to the bathroom; you don't necessarily _enjoy_ it, but 
everyone's gotta do it from time to time.

                   -- Roy Hartzler, high school physics teacher
%
Nuclear fission is more like ping-pong.
                   -- Roy Hartzler
%
Am I the only one who gets really excited by that sign on the Pennsylvania
turnpike that reads 'Caution: Wet Descending Curves'?

                   -- Paul
%
Yes, because they're arbitrary, except in the way that they're not
arbitrary, for no reason at all.

                   -- Matt
%
There's this invertebrate zoo-class.  It's taught by some spineless wimp.

                   -- M. Hartnett, 2/12/85
%
"[The space shuttle] has the aerodynamic qualities of a pair of pliers."
		
                   -- A Space Shuttle engineer, on a Discovery Channel
                      program, describing the shuttle's flying capabilities.
%
(Q: Do you do any other exercise other than going for cigarettes?)

No, I should, but I don't eat very much food or anything.

                   -- Wayne Coyne
%
Yeah, it's probably the Cheesy Chicken Chowder, because I checked in the
trunk and there are no dead bodies.

                   -- Alison
%
'Cause the internet is just a big floppy disk!
                   -- Paul
%
What is the velocity your computer?
                   -- Alex Naula, GC Physics major
%
Unethical or Unethics?  Maybe it is unethics!
                   -- Jin Chul Kim
%
If you break the system, then they know that the system break.
                   -- Jin Chul Kim
%
May be we have to train the ethics.
                   -- Jin Chul Kim
%
The Chinese can't pronounce my last name.  The closest they can get to
is "Ma'keb."  The funny thing is, it also means "S***HEAD!"
                    
                   -- M. McCabe, ELI 0A1 Teacher                
%
I'm 15, and my hormones are flying, flying!

                   -- B. Francey
%
It's easier to shovel snow in the summer.

                   -- U. Mercado, after having to shovel
                      snow after a snow storm in Canada
%
How do they ever find out that the maximum number of people for this
elevator is twenty-two?  I mean do they get into the elevator and
do some experiments:

      "Twenty-one people.  Still OK."
      "Twenty-two people.  Still OK."
      "Twenty-three people.  Aaaahhhhh............."
                      
              -- R. Mercado, in an almost full elevator in a public library
%
What is communication or language?  A curse! Why?  Don't ask me, 
because I don't know. Ask God.

                   -- Vanesa Colon-Ortiz
%
Wanna try some of my shepherd's pie?  It's made of 100% shepherd!
                   -- R. Mercado
%
Do you want me to suck yours?
                   -- Janet Henry, refering to a lollipop
%
It is harder for a needle to go in the eye of a camel than a rich man
to enter heaven.   

                  -- (Not the Bible....)
%
I can't lip read sign language.
                  -- Mike Cornell
%
The first subway station was opened in 1882, what was the point of that? 
Where would you go?
                   -- Mat
%
If a tree falls down in the middle of a big forest, and nobody is
there to see it or hear it happen, will McDonalds get away with it ?
                   -- Mat
%
It's obvious that we've entered new territory, 
never before reached by scoopers.

                   -- Rudi Goldman, on acid
%
"Pretty soon it'll be the year 2000 and we'll need new checks."
                   -- Pat Washburn, circa 1986
%
"Beware the Dumb Side of the Force."
                   -- Grayson Lyles, age 8
%
This turtleneck is really tight.
                   -- Heather Carlson
%
Don't laugh, it's not funny it's hysterical! 
                   -- Jeff, a CMU student
%
"The only inalienable right of human beings is to receive mail."
                   -- Mick's brother
%
"When i'm trying to negotiate a path around the obvious I always seem
 to circumnavigate myself."
                   -- James Hails
%
"It's work that makes it suck."
                   -- Pamela Ceccanti-Harris, while counting her blessings
%
Isn't charging someone with attempted murder just like saying, "Better
luck next time?"
                   -- De St.
%
"Do you have milkshakes in Norway?"

                   -- Becca, to a foreign exchange student.
%
You can play with the fire but do not get burned.

                   -- Joe Planchat
%
Physics turns me on! 

No, correcting physics tests does not turn me on.
                   -- Mr. Bechir Garraoui, high school physics teacher
%
The first ten years I liked work, the second ten years I was indifferent,
the third ten years they can bite me.

                   -- Constant
%
Warning Statement for Norway and Sweden

This statement applies only to Norway and Sweden. 
This statement is listed in the following order:

   Norway

   Sweden

Advarsel Apparatet skal kobles til en jordet stikkontakt.

Varning! Apparaten skall anslutas till jordat ntuttag.


                   -- The last page of the Cisco 1004 Router User Guide
%
Violence is not the answer. Hypocrisy is.
                   -- Erin Santee
%
Screws fall out.
%
Is there ever a good reason to tax owls?
%
I can't read, but by God, he took my cow!
%
It's not that I'm inflexible ... it's just that I'm extremely rigid
                   -- Lt. Col Fred Strain, to a general 
%
You can sit on your back porch and kill chickens all day
as long as you don't say "God".

                   -- Dave Helrich, in response to a Florida law
                      restricting animal sacrifices in Voodoo ceremonies
%
But there's nothing romantic about a bottle!

Oh!

Never mind.

                   -- Shannon
%
"But suppose I'm demonic!"

                   -- Merritt Gardner, Math Professor
%
How is it supposed to get hard with four people breathing on it?

                   -- Judy Thom, a grown-up slumber party while waiting for
                      Magic Shell to solidify on ice cream.
%
"But that's no reason to put acid in a man's pants."
                
                   -- excerpted from "Dressed up for Murder" by Gary Brandner

%
(Redneck man to group of young men sitting 
 in a Denny's in the middle of the night): 

"You boys registered for the draft?" 

Aaron Hemmings (one of the young men): 

"Uh, I like beer."
%
"I believe I was a salmon in a past life" 
                   -- Wyl R. Stenburg
%
"My dear teacher, I will say it once more, emphatically: Bangladesh!"
                   -- Ryan Patterson
%
Katie Moffett: "Donde esta el fuego baby?"
Sara Liner:    "En mi pantalones!"
%
"I dunno? About five pounds and a flannel shirt?" 
                   -- Sara Liner
%
"I've always had this sinking suspicion, that if the world were to stop
  spinning, we'd all be incredibly dizzy"
                   
                   --Sara Liner 
%
"Hey-hey! Hey you drivin'? Ha ha ha ha-hey-you drivin'?" 
                   -- Bee Jay Joyer
%
"Bite my Funken-Wagnals. Ahh!" 
                   -- Sara, Katie, Bee Jay, Justin, and Grace
%
"Your momma's a bubble." 
                   -- as stated by Sara Liner to Jubal H. Stedman
%
"Shoulders are crunchy! Howm!" 
                   -- Sara Liner biting into David Jones' shoulder.
%
"All I wanted was a lizard."  
                   -- Mike
%
In response to the question "Are the eggs fresh?":

"Hell no lady, they're freeze dried..."
%
You can't stop HERE.  This is bat country!

                   -- Hunter S. Thompson
%
I never say things like that, except for when I do.

                   -- "Uncle" Ben
%
Even brain-death is preferable to "The Price Is Right".

                   -- "Uncle" Ben
%
Hmmm...this crew gets along well, works efficiently, they even kinda
like each other ... we can fix that!

               -- "Uncle" Ben, in reference to the management at his job
%
Nicky: The Virgin Mary was born on THAT day.  She was the product of a
       virgin birth too.

Me:    Immaculate conception is not genetic.
%
Save the world; kill a sponge!
                   -- Matt
%
But it's cute! We could put a small pizza in it!
                   -- Matt
%
I don't know what that marijuana is, but you bring it in here 
and I'll drink it!
%
I need some help with this squishy-squishy!

         -- the Girl whose name dare not be spoken (a.k.a. Sherry)
%
(This was heard while "Uncle" Ben was playing some video game in the next
room) -- (blam-BLAM-explosion) "Yeah, siddown, Waldo! Ya'll don't be
frontin' on Uncle Ben!"

                   -- "Uncle" Ben
%
"Ultimately, aren't we all just talking monkeys with an attitude problem?"

                   -- "Uncle" Ben
%
"Super Monkey? ... FUN-BAGS!"

                   -- Eric Fitzpatrick
%
"You CAN'T be evil.  'Cos no matter how many 'bad' things you do on purpose,
 you MUST be doing it because you think it's the right thing to do."

                   -- "Uncle" Ben
%
"We're going to run around like brazen idiots."

         -- Gabe and Jeff, when asked what they were doing for spring break
%
"Don't do it, Jimmy.  'Cos if you do, I'll hafta cook you up like a
punk-ass trickster."

 -- Eric Fitzpatrick (in response to threat of being pranked by his flat-mate)
%
"Yogi Bear totally rocked in the beginning!  Then the 70's happened
 and the whole thing went to hell in a hurry...he went from stealing
 picnic baskets to going to the disco n' s***."

                   -- "Uncle" Ben
%
I really believe all the things I've said to you, it's just that none
of them are true.

                   -- Mr. Happy
%
"You been droppin' science!"

 -- Chris Fujiyoshi (while interviewing an applicant who had a tech degree)
%
"Que pasa, Sugar-Bear?"

                   -- Jeremy "Stinky" Nicholas
%
"In today's world, it's very important that you periodically say bull-s***!"

                   -- announced in class by my psychology professor
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"Oh come now! ... or later."

                   -- Chris Cotton
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"Yeah, and knowing my luck I'll get hit on the other side on the way home 
and I'll be trapped in my car!"

 -- Chris Cotton, shortly after we were in wreck in his car which made it
    impossible to ever open the passenger side door and/or window ever again
%
"The dumber people think you are, the more suprised they're going
 to be when you kill them."

                   -- Vince
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(This happened during a particularly rowdy party next door)

"Uncle" Ben:  "Do you believe those frat guys?  They were whizzing on
               our house!"
Housemates:   "Well did you try to yell at them to make them stop?"
"Uncle" Ben:  "No, I sprayed 'em with the hose, the chumpy bastards!"

%
"Now we're livin' fat.  Fat City."

 -- Brian's dad, in response to having diced spam in his scrambled eggs.
%
Every crowd has a stupid lining.
                   -- Steve Miller
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mishap -- A minor misfortune. People
          are not killed in mishaps.

                   -- Associated Press Stylebook 
%
My goal in life is not to be quoted.

                   -- Cheri
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"God's not in Indiana?"

"No, Satan lives in Indiana. God just stays away."

                   -- Cheri & Benji
%
(this was heard at the Pike Place Market in Seattle)

"So, your fish are really fresh?"

"Well, they're pretty well-behaved, actually."

[ouch.]
%
"Whoa, check out this tapestry...it's like the tree of life or the tree
of knowledge or some s***."

                   -- Mitch Thieman
%
Yeah, I knew it was a person, because silverware doesn't go: "DOH!"

                   -- Dustin T. Miller
%
A little idolatry is relaxing, every once in a while.
                   -- Tim Dueck
%
A simple way to look at it is like this:
Joe Berry is a positive charge, while babes are a negative charge.
                   
                   -- Famous scientist from really long ago, making an
	              analogy why the bipolar sides of a magnet attract.
%
They'll beam it out of our bowels.
                   -- Mark, in reference to a future time
                      when toilets are no longer necessary.
%
Hi, I'm Jesus Christ.  I'm God and so are you.

                   -- Paul Stauffer, describing the worst case 
                      scenario for a Presbyterian.
%
Attract and repel...
	Attract and repel like tricky dogs.

                   -- John F. Fisher
%
I don't have a nose anymore and I'm perfectly happy.

                   -- Stacy
%
English is very squishy.

                   -- Steve Hanson
%
Wow. I'd forgotten all about rain. Now I'm covered with water.

                   -- Matt
%
Yes, aliens are definitely better than Satan.

                   -- Cheri
%
"Don't go in there, Binky!  You'll explode!"

                   -- Chris Cotton
%
"You want a Poo-poo Platter?"

"No, man...pull your pants up, I didn't come here for that sorta thing."

                   -- Chris Cotton (at China Dragon one night)
%
"Hey!  It's my fabulous patented Moon Waffle!"

                   -- Chris Cotton (a la Homer Simpson)
%
"Check this guy out, he must belong to the Aluminum Foil Gang."

        -- Eric Fitzpatrick, remarking about a guy with a shiny silver coat.
%
"FLOOR IT!  KILL FASTER!"

                   -- "Uncle" Ben yelling at a speeder who cut us off.
%
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
	          
                   -- heard from a frat brother
%
Q:  Who was the first actress in the 1960's to pose nude?
A:  Marilyn Manson.

                   -- M. Sheehan at a SchoolReach competition.
%
"We routinely catch people."
                   -- Larry McCann, police officer, commenting
                      on the effectiveness of the VA police force.
%
"Oh no! I'm missing the two tenors!"   
                   -- My mother, who didn't know what we were laughing at.
%
"I can't give you a brain, but I can give you a diploma" 

                   -- The Wizard of Oz to the Scarecrow, as posted on the
                      door of professor at Temple University Law School
%
"Who is this Jesus Price person everybody is singing about?"

         -- Casey Bartow-McKenney at age 3, listening to Christmas carols.
%
I'm a drunkard. I whip monkeys.
                   -- P. Casson
%
I got drunk last night, but then I shouldn't have been sitting in a tea cup.

                   -- someone from enterprise.net
%
No, I'm relegating *humanity* to the "shallow bitch" category.

                   -- Jeremy Garber
%
As a general life rule, never drink anything that comes out of China.

                   -- Paul
%
Post from AOL person in alt.music.posterkids (newsgroup for the band Poster
Children):
 
  I am going to see the Poster Children with the Cows on march 18 at the
  Hi-Point in MO.  I'm going like 10 hours early in an attempt to meet the
  band.  I have done this many time and succeded so I figure i will get to
  meet them.  I was just wondering if anyone had any questions they would
  like me to ask them.  If so please e-mail me privately at: (...)

Reply from Rose (bass player for the Poster Children):

  Yeah, I got a question for you to ask:  Please ask Howie [the drummer] to
  remove his wet t-shirts and underwear from the benches in the van and
  rinse them out once in a while...
%
"That's exactly what it's like ... just not so much."
                   -- Pat H.
%
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone.

                   -- Ben Williams
%
The only things that you need in life are a free bucket of Kentucky
Fried Chicken and a spork.

                   --  Baisden
%
The chicken and the egg were postmarked for the same day
but arrived separately.   
                   -- Baisden
%
You never know what you never know if you never know it.
                   -- MoJo
%
You're yellow, you're gay, and nobody likes you.
                   -- Amanda K.
%
Yeah, if I had a dollar for every time I had a million dollars, I'd
have a million dollars.
                  
                   -- Shannon
%
That which goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over. He who gets around
usually gets a shot or two every month. 
                   -- Doug
%
Complaining about R.E.M. and then putting in the Beatles is like complaining
about Slayer and then putting in Sepultura.

                   -- Thomas
%
So why does the executioner sterilize the needle that is used to inject the
poison into the prisoner?

                   -- Love7
%
"Would you rather eat poop, or a nice tuna sandwich?"

                   -- Dana
%
"If those people throw rocks at my car I'll ... I'll ... Well, I'll 
 just drive away!"
                   -- Tina
%
 I see "subvert", but I think "submit".

                   -- Adam M.
%
"I'm bisexual ... in theory." 

                   --Thad E.
%
"Squeeze Cheez is so a food group!"  
                   -- Dani
%
"I've had three people lick my eyeball."
                   -- Shawna Olson
%
"Pi keeps on going forever ... kind of like that bunny."
                   -- Professor Chris Meidt
%
"Then, when they're all done, they push the houses back together."
                   -- Don Pelto
%
"I'm almost completely certain bologna sandwiches don't go 'crunch.'"
                   -- Karen Pelto
%
Seventh grade boys are the root of all bad taste. 
                   -- Alexis I.                                  
%
I feel like I have a hollow leg ... and I want to fill it with 
candy and ... more candy.
                   -- a very stoned Amber
%
"I can't believe we spent forty bucks on beer and french fries"
                   -- Matt, an MTU student, after an afternoon at the bar
%
I'm not in a coma, i'm just bored!
                   -- Gregory Moore
%
That which does not kill me is dead when I am through with it.

                   -- Tyler (Taken from a secret source)
%
"I think it's the father"

                   -- Tyler, age 8, responding to the trivia question: "What
                      is the smelliest member of the rodent family?"
%
Do not sit on a mad cat.I learned that the hard way. 
                   -- Googiey
%
I am always right!  I am never wrong!  Except about those two things...
                   -- Julie
%
Her name is Lisa Church?  Is her sister Rent A. Cathedral?
                   -- R. Cunningham
%
You wouldn't know good music if a big dog bit you in the butt.
                   -- Jason, my brilliant English major brother
%
When the cat is away the mouse will also. 
                   -- Al Curiale
%
If the bus does not stop stopping, the stopping will never end.
                   -- Chris Reimer (creimer@txdirect.net)
%
I think I might have ingested a fair amount of 409.
                   -- Jason B.
%
"Of course I'm over Matt - just let me put these binoculars down."

                   -- my friend, Gabi, who lives next door to Matt
%
"If these people would lower the prices, we Americans would buy more!"

                   -- U.S. tourist, overheard in Tigre, Argentina
%
"I feel more like myself now than I did when I came in."

	           -- Connie
%
Salad is murder.
                   -- Kendra D.
%
"Wearing contact lenses is like wearing underwear, right? 
 You don't really feel it or anything."

                   -- Gabi
%
"Do you happen to have a stomach pump with you?"

                   -- a diner at McDonalds
%
Don't talk to strangers unless they give you a bagel first. 
                   -- Sharon C.
%
Well, I guess I'll see if I can make things fit by breaking things.
When in doubt, break something.

                   -- Paul
%
Occasionally I wake up with my hand in my pants...
this usually seems to happen around the end of the week. 
                   -- Chris R.
%
I have had the opportunity to accomplish a great many things in life, 
but my education consistently gets in the way. 
                   -- Chris R.
%
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can 
happen to you for the rest of the day.

                   -- Sara
%
Britain is bad for my hair.
                   -- Mel
%
I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I can kiss my prince. 
                   -- Polly 
%
I swear, he's the greatest thing since sliced bread and swiss cheese.
                   -- J. Aq.
%
The box said he was a lucky monkey - but maybe he's a BAD-lucky monkey.
                   -- Andy
%
Who are you calling a melting piece of poo, you nostril flake!
                   -- Heather
%
There's plenty of good uses for burning people!
                   -- Matt
%
"Friends are just enemies who don't have the guts to kill you." 
                   -- Albert O.
%
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye...  then it becomes a sport.
                   -- Danielle
%
"Geometry with my Homies!!!"
                  
                   -- my geometry teacher
%
If 'Fe' is iron on the periodic table, does that make females iron males?
                  -- someone
%
"To unbridled lust!"

                  -- "Uncle Bear" giving a thanksgiving toast
%
"There is a rabid chinchilla knawing at my ankle."

                  -- Kate the Grate
%
It's true everything you need to know you learn in kindergarten: 
 BOYS ARE STUPID!!!!!!
 
                  -- Kathy
%
"Hello, Corn Dog!" 
                  -- a crazy old bum
%
I want to network every single human brain. 
                  -- Ron Urwongse
%
"No we're not!  We're deaf!"  
                  -- In response to somebody's comment, "Look, they're blind," 
                     while walking past a sign language class
%
See, I can stand having just one bottle of cereal, but ...
                  -- Sue, forgetting the type of container breakfast
                     products typically come in....
%
It's warmer in the country than in the summer.
                  -- Don Gares
%
I'll take a Reuben, but please put that on whole wheat, oh and make that
cheddar cheese, hold the sauerkraut, and wait, please make that ham. By the
way could I have that with ranch.
%
Hi, I'm the Pool Man.  This is my sidekick Chlorine Boy.  We are here to
clean out the gene pool.

                   -- Tyler
%
"I better get it, it could be the phone"
                   -- ???
%
"WET PAINT (this is not an instruction)"
                   -- a note on a subway wall
%
"Kick him and run!"  
                   -- first uttered by Julie at 'Jerry McGuire'
%
"The system crashed. On my foot."
                   -- Our sysadmin, after having an accident
                      while moving a server from one room to another.
%
"It's like a graphical user interface without all the little graphicals"

                   -- Tony, tech support instructor at my work when
                      explaining some of the functions of DOS
%
"Do you remember the first line of 'I feel pretty'?"

"I feel pretty ugly"
                             -- my wife
%
"Pizza! Pizza!"

[Response when a history teacher asked "What was the motto of ancient 
Roman males?"]

                   -- Tyler
%
"Morning has broken me"
                   -- my wife on Monday morning
%
"Two is a couple, three is a crowd, four is two couples,
 five is a couple and a crowd, six is either three couples
 or two crowds..."
                   -- Alf
%
"Soy Sauce!"

                   -- The answer to every question in my Biology class
%
"I'm gonna kill you so hard!"
 
                   -- A failed attempt to sound tough
%
"The ride up front is better when you've been in the back."

                   -- Victor
%
"I rock harder than God."  
                   -- Julie
%

The best way to check is to whap him upside the head with a baseball bat. If
that fixes the problem, it was not his 'cycle'.  If the problem persists,
then it probably is biological.  If he's dead after you whap him, then you
don't have to worry about it anymore.

                   -- Julie, about a guy who was confusing Jen with sporadic
                      bursts of semi-dating behavior.
%

In a newspaper office: 

Michele: "What are you reading?"  
Jen:     "The obits."   
Paul:    "Oh?  Bits o' what?" 
%
"Shuck!" 

"Just one?" 

            -- Paul B.
%
"I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot horse."
                   -- A friend of mine mindlessly blendeding idioms...
%
"Magic hat!  All fall down!"  
                   -- Paul B., after dropping his hat
%
"I think I'm hallucinating... what's good for a hang-over?"

"Drinking heavily the night before."

                   -- Vyv and Mike
%
"Where's the clicky thing?"

"You mean the remote?"

"No, the clicky thing... for the watchy thing."

                   -- The girl whose name dare not be spoken (a.k.a. Sherry)

%
"That stuff could gag a maggot, but I'd still eat it if it had chocolate
 sauce on it."

                   -- This other crazy bum
%
"I have too much blood in my caffeine system"
%
Nothing will make you feel more alive than wishing you were dead. 
                   -- Becky
%
kids -- Use "children," unless you are talking about goats.

                   -- The Associated Press Stylebook
%
"It tastes better out of the foil packet!"  
                   -- Jen N.              (Hi Jen!) 
%
"Is that my hand?  I hope that's my hand."
                   -- a very drunk Paul B., with his hand over his face.

%
"She spends more time kneeling than the Pope."

          -- Jen, regarding a coworker who wore hot pants and crop tops to
             work in a factory, and who would bend over in front of every
             guy in the place and then make sure they were looking.

%
"The only goal I have in life is to have a dog, and since I don't have one
I'm not living up to my full potential." 
     
                   -- Jen, to Julie
%
A bisexual is someone who is just trying to increase their chances of 
getting laid by 50%.

                   -- Tyler
%
"Am I irresistable?"
"To what--fire or bullets?"
%
The last thing I want is for giant-booger-boy here to ruin my night.
                   -- Amber
%
"It is always wise to go through life just a little bit dizzy."
%
All I Really Need To Know About Life I Learned From Seth Ann

         -- If you look real cute, you can get away with anything
         -- Eating off someone's finger forms a frienship fast
         -- Once they lift the lid off, JUMP!!!!
         -- Love is unconditional, even if you _are_ scaly.
         -- Shed, and move on.

                   Sondheim
%
"I still can't find my crank in the dark."
                   -- Jen, regarding the window crank in her new car
%
"Hey, lady, yo dog look like Cujo."
                -- kid in Richmond, about Jen's aunt Karen's Golden Retreiver
%
If you want something done right, shut up and get me a cappuccino.
                   -- Bryan
%
Yes, Paul, we'll use hurricanes to transfer our data.
                   -- Matt
%
"That God... sure plays a mean pinball!"
                   -- Dave
%
"Have you seen my life?  I know I dropped it around here somewhere..."
                   -- Dusty Miller
%
"Too crowdy.  Use frash."    
 
                   -- Jen's grandfather's very expensive talking Japanese
                      camera on a typical overcast Seattle day

%
"It makes me SO happy to hear that hat-wearing people are reproducing."
                   -- Overheard at work
%
"I got it at Peaches.  You know, Peaches?  Peaches!  Remember Peaches? 
Peaches...  turned into Beehive, then Sears catalog stuff, you know,
Peaches?  Sold those little round music things?  Peaches! Like Tower but
rural? Peaches!" 
                   -- Paul B.

%
"I didn't vote for Yoda."
                   --Jen 
%
"He must be from the land of Misfit Troys."

              -- Jack (remarking about how his roommate Troy is such a klutz)
%
"My next performance will be at eight o'clock."

                   -- "Uncle" Ben (after falling down the stairs)

%
"What is it?  Twigs and rocks or something?"

  -- Helmut, the student from Germany, when asked if he wanted some trail mix

%
"Hey Buddy!  There's a law-suit in your future!"

                   -- Jack, yelling at the guy who rammed into his car
                      (while we were watching from the front porch) and then
                      tried to get away but couldn't because his car was
                      wrecked too.

%
"Um, flammable?"

                   -- Annie Minninger in Phys. World, answering the question
                     "What's another term for a non-conductive material?"
%
"You're my lovey, fuzzy, rattle-snake-headed, gooey, stupid, stinky-bear!"

                   -- The girl whose name dare not be spoken (a.k.a. Sherry)
%
"I'm pretty sure it's your inability to hit the ball that makes you
 keep missing."

                   -- Some kid's little-league coach
%
"Hey!  That's the guy who invited me to his house to bleed!"

                   -- "Uncle" Ben, remarking about the guy who helped him
                      out after a particularly nasty bicycle accident.
%
"Every time I hear that phone it's ringing!"
                   -- Nathan
%
"Hey, do you hear their phone ringing?  C'mon, let's go ring their
doorbell!"

             --"Uncle" Ben, while we were walking through his neighborhood.
%
"This isn't going to stop me from speeding."

           -- Dianne, to the cop who pulled her over and wrote her a
              six-point ticket for doing 65mph in a 20mph school zone.
%
"I've only got one freaking heart!"
                   -- Marlene
%
"Why did they ruin a perfectly good cheesecake by putting all of this 
 fruit on it?" 
                   -- Jen
%
"Why do I have my fingers in this monkey's ears?"
                   -- Kate
%
"Jesus... not one-sided love again..."
                   -- Jason Holliman
%
"Seig Shawn!" 
                   -- Jonathan Schultz, in a drunken state
%
"Say Cheesesticks!"

"Cheesesticks!"
"Whiskey!"

  -- Food demonstration ladies getting their picture taken the day before
     Wal-Mart Supercenter in DeKalb, Illinois opened (4/22/97)
%
"It's WATER.  This is WASHINGTON."          
  -- Jen in a busy restroom where nobody would go in the stall
     with the dripping ceiling.
%
"If love is blind then why are we not equipped with seeing eye dogs?"
                   -- Mary
%
Even the greatest legs end somewhere.
                   -- Veronika Heckova, age 10
%
"Tulsa, California...  What am I, a crack smoker?  Tulsa, Oklahoma." 
                   -- overheard
%
Anchovies taste like sweaty moustaches.
		  -- Jill
%
M:  I'm going to Europe this summer.
T:  You're going to be sure and go to Italy, aren't you?
M:  No, Italy doesn't interest me much.
T:  But you want to see the Sistine Chapel, don't you?
M:  Why? I'm not Catholic.
%
"I have four brain cells left, and at the moment, they seem to be arguing."
                  -- K
%
"Want some fries with that shake, honey?"

                  -- Heard while passing a bench-load of 18 year-old guys,
                     now a favorite pick-up line
%
"We were talking about custard, not alcohol!"
%
"It's the type of person you are...it's somewhere between admirable
and frightening."
%
"There were times when I'd vomit in flourescent colors to this, but 
now I respect it as a torture device."

             -- Jason Holliman, talking about the Spice Girls song "Wannabe".
%
"Some things I don't want to be reminded of: one, I can't get a date,
two, I have a 286 at home, and three, I have to go in to work at 5 AM."

                   -- Jason Holliman
%
"I say kill 'em, if that doesn't work kill 'em again."
                   
            -- Will "Tool" Rodgers, playing a character in a Star Wars RPG
%
"THE MOON IS ON FIRE!!!"          
                         -- Corey DeHart, on a sunny day in Washington.
%
"Ya don't get nowhere smoking the pipe"
                   -- John Barrett MacArthur, a.k.a JB Mack 
%
"That's right, I'm a bum.  Come on man, hook me up man! Give me a cigarette!"
                   --Chris "Crisco" Pierce                                           
%
"Got any candy?"
"No."
"Got any weed?"
"No."
    -- Dialouge between trick-or treating kids and friends on Halloween, 1996.
%
Jason Holliman: "Mr. Bean!"
Stoned Friends: "Yaay..."
%
"He's pulling a Jason."
 
           -- Julie, about a guy who was confusing Jen with sporadic bursts of
              semi-dating behavior, comparing him with Jason, who did
              EXACTLY the same thing to Julie.
%
"It was really quiet in my apartment last night.  I didn't hear Harold at
all, but I'm pretty sure he's still alive."

                   -- Jen, about the oldest of her many loud neighbors.
%
"Hi, you have reached ***-****.  This is not the Admiral Theater, this is
 not Special Assignment, and I'm not a guy named Jerry. I don't want a cel
 phone and I don't want to change long-distance phone companies. I don't
 want to buy anything and I don't want to renew any magazine subscriptions.
 I don't know Ron or Victoria, so if this is Ron's mom again, you still have
 the wrong number. Nobody else lives here, so unless you're calling me you
 have the wrong number. If you're Julie or Mom, leave a message. If you're
 not, don't bother."

                   -- Jen's answering machine
%
"I cannot respect any song that uses the word 'yo' in it's lyrics."
                   -- Jen, talking about the Spice Girls song "Wannabe" 
%
"Hey! Who do they think they're fooling?"

                   -- Matt, to an Airbourne Express truck driving
                      down the highway.
%
I'm fluffy.
                   -- my 4 year old nephew Christopher
%
"Maybe if I drink some more, the score will change."

              -- Jason Holliman, at Molly's during the 4th Quarter of the
                 3rd Game in the playoffs of the Bulls-Bullets series (at
                 the time the score was 81-90 in favor of the Bullets)
%
"What's he saying? Chicken Cherry Cola? What the f*** kinda sense does 
that make?!?"
                -- Jason Holliman, on the first hearing of Savage Garden's
                   song "I Want You" (and I REALLY hate that song).
%
"But I don't respect the song part of it! It's an audio torture device,
 like the Macarena and all that other bootie shaking music."  

            -- Jason Holliman, talking about the Spice Girls hit, "Wannabe".
%
"He scored 55 points in the one game.  He whipped a camel's ass.  Michael
 Jordan! Michael Jordan!"

               -- Jason Holliman, doing a bad imitation of Wesley Willis.
%
Never underestimate the stupidity of anyone.   
                   -- Mike
%
"I have Muppet feet!"
                   --Paul B.
%
"At least if she was a keyboard, we could touch her."
                   -- Ken, about Jen
%
"I didn't hit my head!" 
                   -- the first thing out of Ken's mouth after falling on
                      stairs and hitting his head
%
"Who's that girl screaming?" 

                   -- Max, listening to a tape of a party.  
                      He was shocked to learn that it was him.
%
"I (heart) heavy artillery."
   --T-shirt Paul B. had made for Jay
%
In a dorm at UW, beer and rum bottles everywhere....

A knock at the door.

Greg whispers, "It's the cops!"

Paul B. shouts at the door, "Nobody here but us chipmunks!" 
%
The first time Paul B. got drunk, and he was regretting it:

Paul to Greg: "Beat me up!"

Greg: "Pick you up?"

Paul:  "No, BEAT me up!  Pass me out!" 
%
"Oh, they said 'Russians'!  I thought they said 'martians'!"

    -- Jen, after hearing on the news about Russians who stole some cattle.
%
"I'm like my cat.  If there's someone talking within earshot, I just
assume they're talking to me."

                   -- Jen, to a co-worker who was talking to himself.
%
"Now we just work in 'ack'."  

                   -- John to Jen at work, sighing over an abbreviated
                      envelope addressed to accounting
%
"Who were they stealing the cows from? And they just dropped them
 over the ocean?!  To DIE!!!???  It's damn lucky for the human race
 that I am not omniscent-omnipotent!!!!" 
                   
                   -- Julie
%
Jen:   "It's going to rain tomorrow."
Julie: "Why?"
Jen:   "Because there's going to be a lot of clouds going over us and
        they're going to be full of water, and when they get over us they
        aren't going to be able to hold their water anymore and they're
        going to dump on us."
%
"When you smell an odorless gas, it's carbon monoxide"
                   -- A 10th grade high school exam answer
%
"After spending too much time here, I think Im falling in love with
'Uncle' Ben."

                   -- Kate
%
If you want me with you on the landing;
you have to include me on the take-off.

                   -- Vincent Scalia,Dean
                      College of Health and Human Sciences
                      University of Northern Colorado
%
"What's this, your cement collection?"
                   -- Julie, lifting something while helping Jen move.
%
Rosalie and Julie talking about Rosalie's ex-boyfriend John:

J: "We'll be talking, blah blah blah, and John will take a word like 'and'
    from our conversation and make a sentence with it, and we'll be, like,
    'That's nice, John,' and we'll keep talking."
R: "He doesn't process well."
J: "I don't think he's self-aware."
%
"Oh yeah?  Well, blah blah blah to you, too.  
 And while you're at it, bite me."

                   -- Jen's brilliant riposte to some moron in a parking lot.
%
"My hair hurts."     
                   -- Jen
%
"Next time I eat fries, I'm gonna do it naked."    
                   -- Julie 
%
"No, it's not a Lava Lamp; it's long."  

                   -- overheard at work
%
In a dorm at UW:

Paul: "Let's go on a doughnut run."
Greg: "OK, where do you want to go?"
Jen:  "How about Canada?"
Greg: "Is there a doughnut store there?"
                   -- jenski@mindless.com
%
"The end of the universe is near.  Please log off."
                   -- Heard over the P.A. at work.  
                      (Universe is one of our networks.)
%
"I've decided I hate last month."  
                   -- Julie
%
"You are sitting on the breath of a long and crazy sentence."
                   -- J Ryan Stradal
%
"Driving to work; what a stupid way to die."
		   -- Brandon Lovejoy
%
"Your grandma IS my psychic whore!"
                   -- overheard in the hallway at school
%
"I appreciate other cultures!! I go to Taco Bell at least three times 
 a week!"  
                   -- Jenny L.
%
"One of my 5th grade students came to school very excited. He said "Guess what!
 my dog got married last night!"  

                   -- Sandra
%
"So, like, is Worf from a different planet or something?"

   -- uttered by a friend upon walking in on a episode of Star Trek: TNG.
%
"Why mix!?"

   -- Andres, after a long night of mixing increasingly less lemonade
      with his Everclear.
%
"At this point you just wind up the B.S. doll and see what come out!"
   
   -- Merritt Gardner (Goshen College math prof.) on what to do when you 
      get stumped in a proof
%
Jeremy: "But giraffes aren't belligerent!"
Paul:   "Yeah, but if you rubber-banded them to something they might be!"
%
"That's some pair of shoulder gerbils."    
                   -- Paul B., about Ken's shoulder pads.
%
"Mommy, did you know there's a boy looking at me?"   
                   -- Little girl in Target
%
"Well ... the hallway smells like a Mexican restaurant, and it's quiet,
 so I'm happy."  
               -- Jen's response to the question, "How's your new apartment?"
%
"It's so nice to occasionally get what you want."    
                   -- Jen
%
"Wow, look at all those tool bars.  It's like a regular Tool Time up there."
                   -- John, about Jen's Excel screen
%
(Saturday morning, 6:00am.  Phone rings)

"Uncle" Ben:  "Hello?"
Chris:        "Hey, did I wake you up?"
"Uncle" Ben:  "No, I was asleep anyway."
%
Sherry:       "Uh oh, it's that jagged little pill again."
"Uncle" Ben:  "You mean A-lame-ass More-or-less?"

(remarking about some A. Morrisette song on the radio)
%
Chris:  "How DID you get those Jehovah's Witnesses to stop coming around
         all the time?"
"Uncle" Ben:  "I answered the door naked a couple of times."
%
"Bummer. I mean, I would have joined you in your self-destructive madness." 
                   -- Donovan Cantu
%
"I need coffee.  Every time we start talking about Yoda I just want
  to go to sleep."     
                   -- Jen at work
%
"Here, here's some cocoa.  Can I have the CD-ROM now?"
                   -- Jen
%
Ever seen two people talking to each other in their sleep?

J: "What time is it?"
P: "What?"
J: "What time is it?"
P: "What?"
J: "Around second base."
%
In a crowded shopping mall outside a piano and keyboard shop:

Chris:       "'Intelligent Keyboard' eh?  We'll see how intelligent you 
              are. What's my name?"

"Uncle" Ben:  (In the goofiest voice I've ever heard):  "Billy!"

Chris:       "WRONG!"  *Whack!* (whacks the keyboard)
%
"They've got a weird kind of charm about them, ya know?  I mean, they're
 really not very good. They're a bad band, but I LOVE them for it! I can't
 figure it out! I want ALL of their albums!"

                   -- "Uncle" Ben, about the band "Maow".
%
I had the weirdest dream the other night, that Billy Corgan was 
chasing me up and down the corridors of America Online, wanting
to kiss me, and I was screaming and crying, running away from him.
I had long, curly brown hair, and he was bald and had a huge,
gaping red mouth and big hands. It was a terrible nightmare. 

                   -- Rose (of the Poster Children)
%
"Don't think he's interested anymore, but ...  Nothing like
 indifference to rouse my interest."
 
                   -- Julie
%
"I see squirrels, but I think bunnies."  
                   -- Jennifer Nicholoff (hee hee hee)
%
Look out for the car behind the car in front of you!
	           -- A new driver
%
"It will feel better when it stops hurting."
                  -- Coach Burger (Putnam City High School, Oklahoma City)
%
"You can't have sex with the chicken without taking off your pants first."
                   -- Punk pete
%
"I get it every year.  It's called Congenital Seasonal Fahrvegnugen."

                   -- Jen, describing her deep-seated need for a
                      convertible, circa spring of 1995.
%
"It sounded like he was sawing his oven in half with a chainsaw."
                   -- Jen, about her upstairs neighbor
%
"Barq's bites."
                   -- Jen's mom
%
Briana: "We're the creme de la bottom."
John:   "We've risen to the top of the bottom."
       
                 -- My co-workers, lamenting our position within the company
%
Julie: "It sounds like congenital warts."  

Jen:   "I think you mean genital warts."   --Jen

Julie: "You're right.  I should have myself examined ....

       [pause]
 
        Not for warts."  
%
"Chickens are a little small.  Well, then so are some men."  
                -- Julieann No-Middle-Name Jorgensen  (hee hee hee yourself!)
%
"It's not a hand-me-down, it's an heirloom!"  
                   -- Julie
%
"My neighbor wasn't home the night before last, and yet he still kept me
 awake because I was dreaming that he was making noise."

                   -- Jen
%
"I'll just abandon my dream of painless employment and settle for random
 shooting sprees in a misguided effort to prove that factory work is cruel
 and unusual punishment."
      
                   -- Jen
%
"My neighbor snores."

                   -- Jen, obsessing over a loud neighbor
%
"It's spring!  The daffodils are blooming!  The wind is picking up! The bees
are running into my picture window and leaving hairy smears! Ah, spring."

                   -- in a letter to Julie from Jen, 1996.
%
"Popcorn is good with Parmesan cheese.  It makes much more of a meal. You get
 your grains, you get your dairy, it's hot food.  It works, I'm telling you."
          
                   -- John, on his starving student days at Berkeley.
%
"My cat keeps eating my monkey!"   
                   -- Jen
%
"Everyone keeps looking at my scars.  All the men say 'Oooh...' and all the
women say 'Ewwwww!"' 

                   -- Jen after hand surgery
%
"Nothing like seeing your best friend do something better than me to get me
 motivated!"
                   -- Julie
%
"Nobody ever calls me a goddess unless they want something from me." 
                   -- Joyce
%
"We've officially named the cat.  Her name is 'Bad Kitty! No!',
 but we call her by her middle name."

                   -- Jen
%
If people get tired of worshiping all those futile-seeming religions
about "good" and "bad", they should worship entropy.

                   -- Paul
%
If people were powered by chlorophyll, and you were stuck in the desert,
you'd have to run around screaming just to keep from being overfed.
                                         
                   -- Paul
%
"I was almost a Tickle Me virgin for... uh, a Tickle Me Elmo virgin 
 for my whole life."

                   -- Julie at her first sight of Tickle Me Elmo, April 1997
%
"I'VE GOT TWO BRAINS!!!!!"
                   -- Matt, in a fit of demonic madness
%
I've never brought any meat into the house.  Well, except for that placenta,
but I planted that already.

                   -- Laura Moon
%
"Mmmm.... chocolate fingernail polish.... Hey, I'm trying to quit biting
 my nails over here!"
 
                   -- Jen
%
"What I need is not to get laid.  What I need is the power to decide who
 lives and who dies."

            -- Jennifer's wishful response to the inconsiderate clods at work.
%
Jen:  "Oh, look at this.  Piles and piles of... ... ... information." 
John: "Good save." 
%
"Just a minute, I can't hear you.  I have to put on my glasses."

                   -- Ruth Hovick
%
"Looks like a good explosion to kiss ratio."
  
                   -- Jeff Rowley about "The 5th Element".  
                      The ratio was was blown by the end.
%
Little Girl: Is that it?
Mom:         No, unless you like ketchup for a snack.
%
Little Girl: Fortune of Wheel!
Mom:         No, that's Wheel of Fortune, where you learned to spell.
%
"Maybe I should get my sippy cup now."

                   -- Mike Eide, taking offense to being called a boy
%
"Remember one thing, a pop machine without Barq's is an angry pop machine."

                   -- Jason Holliman
%
"The UK was dropped by Germany on an atomic bomb"

                   -- "Mr. Beans" in #emu
%
"They pop out! Like Pop Tarts!"

               -- Some guy I (Jason Holliman) was making keys for at Wal-Mart
%
"Hey!  'Autographed by the author'!"

                   -- Paul B. in a bookstore, holding up a copy of the Bible
%
"Half the lives here exist only in movie scripts."
                   -- Jason Holliman
%
"Sports?  Sports are great -- Great for keeping the vacuous off the 
 streets and out of trouble!"

                   -- Rankin!
%
Hey, guys.  I'm not spreading rumors... I'm just telling you what I heard. 
           
                   -- A friend
%
"Sit down and come over here."
                   -- Mr. Wittner
%
"Take out a piece of paper and write your name next to it." 
                   -- Mr. Wittner
%
"Everybody line up alphabetically according to height."
                   -- Mr. Wittner
%
If my head was a bowl with my mouth in the bottom I would drown
in the rain
                   -- Kevin Mason

%
Spent the whole day in the van again, listening to music. I have decided
that rock music is dead. I listened to Atari Teenage Riot about 8 times
today, and Tricky once. Then my batteries died.

                   -- Rose
%
"If my life was nothing but a movie script, I would have written out of the
plot already."
         
                   -- Jennifer Nicholoff
%
"Mr. DeNike, can we have class outside today?"

            -- Jen, asking her boss to move the departmental meeting outside

%
Jen:   "This sucks.  Not THIS, but 'this'.  The greater THIS,
        not this specific 'this'."
Julie: "The inner 'this'."  
Jen:   "Right, the inner 'this'."

            -- Jen, trying to explain that it was LIFE that sucks, not the
               specific hike they were on
%
Jen:   "That's so cool if that's a bat."
Julie: "Let's go look!"
Jen:   "You go look at the bat.  I'm going to have a drink."

              -- hiking at Little Si  (It turned out to be bat-shaped moss.)
%
Julie:  "Wasn't the trail wider before?"

Jen:    "I seem to remember the trail being taller."

                   -- commenting on the overgrown Little Si trail.
%
[JavaScript] is clearly a very powerful language. Its complexity can
 rival that of advanced Basic....

                   -- InfoDial.net's JavaScript tutorial.
%
"A happy kind of terror."

	           -- Julie clarifying the feeling experienced by Jen while
                      Jen's Mom was driving.
%
"I like having a car where I can do seventy without having to lean forward.

                   -- Jen and her new Kia.
%
"I've reverted to the 'Mother Grammar'."
	           -- Julie, after spouting words in random order.
%
"I always love seeing those signs!  It's like this treat... Like Christmas
 on the highway!"

	           -- Jennifer, upon seeing a speed limit sign reading 70 mph.
%
"I thought about becoming a communist tonight, but then I realized I'd 
 have to share my beer."

                   -- Erik Voigt
%
Jen: "I smell like garlic."
Bri: "Maybe you're possessed by an evil spirit."
Jen: "If all it does is smell like garlic, that's fine by me."
%
"Close but no cheese!"    
                   -- Kim
%
"My Honda Civic is bigger than your Honda Civic."
                   -- Julie Jorgensen
%
While playing tennis:

My friend Russell, about to serve:

    "I am about to open up a can of whoop-ass and pour it all over you!"

My friend Todd's reply, about to return the serve to my chunky buddy:

    "Looks like you opened up a can of fat-ass by mistake, 
     and spilled it all over yourself."
%
What you need is goat-breast implants.
                   -- Laura
%
Logic is like a little bird sitting in a tree that smells awful.
                   -- Rajeen Nabid 
%
The ritual greeting between Christy and Jen:
 
C: "Well, if it isn't Katherine Blackheart!" 
J: "Well, if it isn't Suzy Sunshine!" 
%
Jen:  "Why didn't you tell us you were going to Philadelphia to visit a guy?" 
Ken:  "Because I didn't want you to think I'm gay."  
Paul: "But we already thought you were gay."  
%
"Who was that baseball player that died of Lou Gehrig's disease?"

                   -- my friend Lilly B. on the way to the beach.
%
I want to be the child of your father.

                   -- Matt 
%
Sarah to Liz, after referring to Liz's father's truck:

Sarah: "Is that a stick?"
Liz:   "Where?"
%
"Where are you taking us?"
"We're going to HELL!"
"Do they have food there?"
"Burnt food."
"Cajun food."
%
"Short of running it through a blender, I don't think I could have killed it
 any faster."    
                   -- Jen, about a plant at work.  (It was fine on Friday
                      night but Monday morning it was crinkly and brown.)
%
"Seattle is reformatting my hard-drive and I am craving junk food."
                   -- Julie
%
"Look at it as eating cereal, just with butter instead of milk."

    -- Jen's justification for eating popcorn for breakfast at work at 9 a.m.
%
"Sure I'm a complete loser!  But is it better to say that you're a complete
 loser, or that you're a complete loser that works at Wal-Mart?"
 
   -- Jason Holliman 
      (there were a lot of good quotes from the day that I quit Wal-Mart...)
%
FLPOOY DRIVE

           -- A label on an Intel Pentium Motherboard
              (Say it out loud a couple of times: "Flpooy! Flpooy!")
%
I'm still perplexed about my socks.
                   -- Joe
%
I would never want to be reincarnated as a jar of Vasoline. 
                   -- Jon
%
See Jane. See Jane box. Jane is mad at her gardener, Bill. Bill said he 
would water her cactus but he forgot. Bad, Bill, bad! See the cactus die. 
Jane is sad. Bill is dead. 

                   -- Jon
%
Ungar, Yanni, ZOLTAR?????? You really think Rachel and Zoltar
sound like a good couple?

                   -- Rachel
%
I like to get my daily patch of grass when it's still hot and green.
                   -- Tiffany
%
Hisss, hisssss... come bite the apple of procrastination.
                   -- Tiffany
%
Don't wipe your hands on a National Geographic.
                   -- Yoko
%
That's right-ee, Aphrodite!
                   -- Mike
%
I am about to hatch more sea monkeys. 
                   -- Lisa

%
I'm a freak and a happy one.  I looked like Darth Vader.  I was Darth Vader.
I am Darth Vader.

                   -- Lisa
%
Obviously I don't think we should say all purple cows practice
witchery and should be burned at the milking machine. 

                   -- Lisa
%
What a hoe, raking the rice fields of Bangladesh! 

                   -- Lisa
%
Stereotypes aren't always bad...  People can assume that after a long ride
in the car, you probably want to get out and stretch your legs.  For this
we have Rest Stops.  Without stereotypes, we might have to pull off on the 
side of the road and get run over by a truck.
                  
                   -- Lisa
%
Life is a giant ball of stress with powder puffs of stressed
compactness. 
                   -- Lisa
%
Don't talk to anymore reverends. 
                   -- Lisa
%
You are so ridiculously sweet that you're starting to form sugar
crystals in your armpits! 
                   -- Lisa

%
Here's my life as it stands today on pillar of scruffy grass.
                   -- Lisa
%
I'm considering stealing a coffee bean from the plant house and
chewing on the cotyledons.

                   -- Lisa
%
Do sharks step back, if sharks could step, at the end of their
day and reflect on their sharkness?

                   -- Jeff
%
"I think God forgot to turn up the thermostat."
                   
                   -- Jen
%
"Anyone who doesn't acknowledge you hasn't advanced beyond
 the notochord stage."

                   -- Mario
%
"Next time he does that, I'm going to make him eat his own head."
                   -- Jen
%
"This box contains recycled fibers" -- A pizza box
"I hope it has pizza in it too!"    -- Matt
%
"With as much time as she spends on my keyboard, 
 you'd think she'd be up to 70 wpm."
                   -- Jen, about her cat.
%
"I'd rather drink something less phlegm inducing."
                   -- Paul B. 
%
Ordering dinner at Denny's:

Jen:    "Can I get a French Dip?" 
Paul B: "Bon jour!  Uh Hyuh!"     
%
"Hey, you have ketchup!  I thought you said you didn't have any food!"
                   -- Julie
%
Get out of my house! And take your goat with you!
 
                   -- Karen
%
Karen: "Okay! Now I'm awake and ready to do something!"
Cheri: "Okay, what?" 
Karen: "Sleep!"
%
"Because a grasshopper with only one leg is not truly alive..." 
                   -- Pabo Wakataeo
%
"I never want to get what I want again!"
                   -- Jen
%
For religious education class my son had to describe what his conscience is.
His answer:  "If it weren't for my conscience I'd be sinning all the time."
                        
                   -- Reed Schulke
%
"Vague: adj.
        Sort of a way you can be about things."

                   -- Paul, explaining a good idea for a dictionary
%
I don't know why I love San Diego so much. Maybe because it's not LA. 
I love LA too, but in a different way. 

                   -- Roze
%
If you're anything like me... and I know I am...

                   -- Alun V.
%
These old 486 boards are without shells. It's like they're snails that've
been forced to leave their shells and are lying naked in the riverbed.

                   -- Paul
%
"Yes, once again the Weekly Leg of Death and Pain has attacked."

                   -- Jason Holliman, refering to his persistent leg problems
%
If heat rises and cold sinks, why do icebergs float?  
	           -- Julie J.
%
I can accept that everyone has their own reason for being on this earth,
but it seems that for some that their only reason is that they were born!

	           -- Julie J.
%
"I shouldn't have sniffed all of those markers..."

                   -- Jen
%
"I'll have the all you can eat breakfast and... that's all"

                   -- Harvey
%
Don't make me kill you and eat you.

                   -- Mike Bossart 
%
"I'm going to get a gun and kill everybody that doesn't
like my tatoo."
                   -- Mike Bossart
%
"If aliens ever tried to abduct me, I'd kick their butts!"
                   -- Kurt Fansler
%
"Don't make me piss on your chicken sandwich"
                   -- Jason McCartney
%
"Hi, I'm Jason, and I've only had sex with a few sheep"
                   -- Jason McCartney

"Hi, I'm Mike, and I'm his roomate"
                   -- Mike Martin
%
"You take three good shots in the face in basketball, and not a drop
 of blood.  I try to shoot a snot rocket and the blood is flowing
 like a waterfall!"

                   -- Spam
%
"Man, even Ray Charles could find the soup!"

                   -- Amos (the lunch guy at YSU)
%
Jen:   "My computer just DID something."       
Julie: "S***.  It probably just wants my food."
%
Karen:  "I'm f**king poor!"
Paul:  "Well, it's better to be f**king poor than not to be f**king at all."
%
(In response to a VCR that wasn't tracking properly at 1 a.m.)

Karen:  "I wanna watch this movie.  I'm going to Walmart to buy a new VCR."

Housemate:  "Ok.  Um, I think we need eggs too."
%
It has come to my attention that it is difficult to leave a desktop
computer on an airport terminal bus without really trying.

                   -- Greg
%
Megatron: Nobody summons Megatron!

                   -- Transformers: The Movie
%
The only reason people get into accidents while driving drunk is because
they don't practice it enough.

                   -- Tina K.
%
"What am I supposed to do with all my stuff?"
                   -- Paul B., upon being told that Jen was leaving him
%
"Where I come from, after hearing something like that, you'd go, 'Damn!'"

                   -- Dave
%
"Was that girl a little f*cking crispy, or is it just me?"

         -- Kate after being helped by an oh-so-perky girl at the music store
%
"We do that soul thing, baby"

                   -- Roya to Kate
%
"I don't want to be funking with someone elses grossness"

                   -- Kate to Steph while trying on bathing suits
%
Angela: "I need one of those 'Beware of God' signs."
Kate:   "'Beware of God', honey?"
Angela: "God, dog.... same difference"
%
"I had the coolest dream last night! I was on this boat... and... well...
 that's all I can remember.... but I was definitely on a boat!"

                   -- Kate
%
"No Diggity! I got to bag it up!"
 
                   -- My Geometry teacher's response when asked 
                      why he was putting the TV in a bag
%
Chris:  "Mirror, Mirror seven fold.  Who's the sexiest dressed in gold?"
Tricky: "You must be talking about me, cousin."
Chris:  "Katie, YOU'RE NAKED."
%
Kate:   "If moths fly toward light, why don't they fly to the sun?"
Robert: "They're nocturnal."
Kate:   "Why don't they fly to the moon, then?"
Robert: "Go to sleep, Kate."
%
"Naah... she's not easy, she's horizontally accessible."

                   -- Kate
%
"Well maybe if you took off yo chastity belt, 
 maybe you could breathe a little bit mo' betta!"     

                   -- Kate
%
"Oh, and can you hold the MSG... I actually want to decompose when I die."

                   -- Kate
%
If you have to name it, you're not using it enough.

                   -- Jeremy Garber
%
Darn it, everything I need in life is somewhere else.

                   -- Diana Zimmerman
%
"Eat some pork, girl!"

                   -- Kate in response to a VERY skinny girl.
%
"Oh man.... I can feel it coming.... oh no!... VIOLENT REGURGITATION!!"

                   -- Kate (about Hanson's MMMBOP)
%
Kate: "So how's that Navada guy doin?"
Shay: "You mean Navaid?"
Kate: "Navaid, Navada, Navajo...same difference"
%
Run from old mexicans that blow kisses!

                   -- Amy, age 16
%
Whoever invented work should burn in hell!!

                   -- Aviry
%
They should do away with the death penalty.  Instead they should adopt a
torture penalty. Something like continuos Kenny G., or having to tongue
bathe Marilyn Manson.

                   -- Fillafo
%
"I wonder if Mark E. Smith wakes up wondering who he can hate today"
                   -- Jason Holliman
%
"Unrequited like sucks almost as much as unrequited love."
                   -- Jen
%
Once I saw someone I thought was me,  but then I realized 
she just looked like me.
                   -- Aviry
%
"Our Universe Use License expired.  Go home."
                   -- overheard at work
%
Adventure seeking slugs crossing the path of life -- watch your step!
                   -- Julie J.
%
Jen:  "I guess I missed what you did mean" can be translated as "what
       exactly did you mean, because I am too much of a dork to pick up the
       subtleties of conversation on my own, even after reading the statement
       in different silly voices." Did I finally get it?

Chris: You don't wear a helmet, do you?
%
If someone killed me I would stay alive just to bother them.

                   -- Aviry
%
The two that it said it couldn't, it did, and the one it didn't 
claim it couldn't, it didn't.

                   -- Paul
%
Made with beef and pork, turkey.

                   -- ball-park hotdog wrapper
%
"I'm not bitter, just vengeful."

                   -- Paula
%
"Damn... there is nothing that makes me feel more 
 patriotic then pyrotechnics."
     
                   -- Kate during a 4th of July fireworks display
%
"If I hear that pre-pubecent squeal of his one more time..."

                   -- Kate (about that damn MMMBOP song)
%
"Your ass is grass, homie!!"

                   -- Heard coming from the bedroom as my dad played the
                      computer in a particularly thrilling game of chess.
%
"Trevor!  Don't bite that man's pee-pee!"

                   -- Trevor's Dad 
%
"It's like eating puppies!!"

                   -- overheard by Aviry & Roxie while passing an 
                      ostrich-burger stand.
%
Jen:    Why haven't you eaten your candy?
Julie:  That's not candy.
Jen:    Why haven't you eaten your beads?
%
"Sometimes you are too insightful.  I'm going to have to kill you now..."
         
                   -- Julie to the insightful Jen
%
"I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a dry martini."
                           
                   -- Paul T. Baker
%
"I've said it once, I'll say it again: 'Too many monkeys.'

                   -- Paul T. Baker, stuck in traffic.
%
"I fell in a lake?"

            -- Paul T. Baker, when told about what he did while he was drunk
%
"The monkey doesn't fall far from the tree."

                   -- [Uh, we lost the name attached to this one. Sounds to
                       us like something "Uncle" Ben or maybe Paul B. would
                       say. But we don't know. We're sorry.]
%
"I found out I own a Chevette and I have a brother."
                   -- Jen, about her strange week
%
"Books... will... protect... us...    must... be... with... the books..."
 
                   -- Jen, at the decision to meet someone at Barnes & Noble
%
Try explaining the neccesity of cartoons to people that don't speak English!
                   -- Philip
%
"You be John Smith, I'll be Pocahontas."
                   -- a 3 year-old to her babysitter's boyfriend
%
"There is a ham here and I am stabbing it repeatedly."

                   -- Roxie (while talking on the phone to Aviry)
%
Okay I'm just trying to get my eye back together.
                   -- Aviry altering a picture on the net
%
"Everything in moderation - but dammit, EVERYTHING!"
                   -- Lee Gregory
%
"Maybe my name is Beelzebub and I just want you to call me Bubby."
                   -- Abby, explaining the nickname field on a job application
%
  *Whack!*
  "Enough of your snicker bars!"
             
                   -- Julie
%
"Are you saying the forest isn't conducive to finding sticks?" 
                 
                   -- Ryan McDavitt, at a bonfire
%
"Virtual Luv": attraction to someone you've only met over the internet.
                   -- Julie J.
%
"I think the kitty is one of the dream-people."
                   -- Julie J.
%
"If you continually give, eventually you will be empty-handed."
 
           -- Jill and Lara's modification of a saying in a fortune cookie
%
Tang... the breakfast of Champions!!
                   -- Aviry and Roxanne
%
"He's a b*st*rd!  And if he ever asks me out again I will fall
at his feet just... like... THAT!"

                   -- Jen, about a guy she hasn't recovered from yet.
%
Do you still have to fight off the Indians?

                   -- question a cab driver in California asked my family
%
"I've just unzipped something huge, and I don't know what to do with it!"

                -- Uttered by a co-worker after she had downloaded a
                   compressed file and "un-zipped" it.

%
"It's 3 AM, and I just learned that I cannot hold my sushi."
%
"FOUR bottles and TWO thirty packs in TWO days.  Do the math. That's not good.  
 Well... I mean it's great... but, ultimately... not good."

               -- College Frat guy to coworker and fellow College Frat guy     
%
"I need a little boy in a flower pot, and a snail."

                 -- overheard by Aviry, Roxie, & Melissa in a Hallmark store.
%
"I laughed so hard I all most fell and landed on this skanky-ass bed!"

                   -- Roxie 
%
"I was watching this movie and it sounded that you were 
speaking another language."

                   -- Roxie
%
I'm feeling really naked underneath all my clothes.

                   -- CK
%
It's only a one horse dairy.     
                   -- MLO
%
"Okay, there's a little girl down the street in pajamas and a Santa Claus
 hat dancing around her yard and singing about some damn moose... it's times
 like this that I really LOVE this neighbourhood!"

                   -- "Uncle" Ben
%
"Auuuggghhhh!  It's that stupid coco-jambo song again.  Every time I hear it
 it makes me wanna run around and punch myself in the head to try and drown
 it out!  That, or change the station."

                   -- "Uncle" Ben

                              (See "Uncle" Ben punch himself in the head at:
                               http://www.eskimo.com/~monkey.  He's in the
                               UFO Abductee Recovery Squad.)
%
"I've heard rumors that you have been tackling hookers on the field."

           -- the president of my college, who doesn't know much about rugby.
%
Dear kindergardeners [crossed out] sophomores,

SHUT UP [crossed out] Please be quiet. 

YOU ARE THE MOST ANNOYING LITTLE BRATS I HAVE SEEN/HEARD [crossed out] 
You are slightly agitating.

                   -- my neighbor Will (I was having a loud party and he
                      wrote us this note telling us to keep it down.)
%
"Hey, why's he keep riding up his pants like that?"

"Have no idea, darling.  Either he's got an atomic wedgie, he's fingering
 himself, or he's got a bad case of jock itch."

           -- Will, while watching Michael Jackson's "In the Closet" video.
%
"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers."      
                   -- Carlos Madrid
%
You know what you are? You're a... you're a walking, talking potato with
toothpicks for eyes and Nintendo games in its mouth.

        -- Ryan McCarthy, Duke of Timbuktu, Regent of Antarctica, Earl of
           Lithuania, and Chief Minstrel at the Court of the King in Yellow.
%
"Mmmmm....  hamburgers.  I think the Burger King is on fire."
 
                   -- Jen
%
Physics, schmisics... hand me the wrench.  
                   -- FinalKoban
%
"The book that I want is not here.  This is not where the book is
that I want."
                   --Jen
%
"There's just something about a guy in a skirt."

            -- Julie, about the guys in kilts at the Scottish Highland Games.
%
"I don't like to drool.  I do like to talk with my mouth full. 
 That's my favorite thing."

                   -- Julie
%
You know what I like to do best? I like to clean my ears.

                   -- Karen
%
Navy Guy:    "Can I jump over the tiles you're cleaning to get by?"
Marine Guy:  "If you can do it without touching them."
Navy Guy:    "Isn't that what jumping's all about?"
%
An unused VCR is a sad VCR.

                   -- Ashley Chen
%
Your word choice is so limited and pathetic.  My vocabulary, on the other
hand, is as good as... like... whatever.

                   -- Jon
%
Just think if you were a molecule and had to be called Ethyl Heptane.
                   -- Jeff
%
No more yearning, no more crying, just jump on and explode!
                   -- Aya
%
I want a Magic 9-ball.
                   -- Matthew
%
I'm stupid; that's my role here.
                   -- Jeff
%
Bert is not a muppet, he is a human.
                   -- Prany
%
Imagine a potato going 60 mph....

                   -- Peter Vall-Spinosa, high school psychology teacher
%
The turkey sandwich is on the roof!
                   -- Emily
%
You know those little forms you fill out and hand to a sandwich maker? 
The forms that ask what kind of meat, cheese, vegetables, bread, etc....
This was written on a form at my college dorm cafeteria:

 "Don't ask such personal questions!"
%
"I'm gonna go take a dip."
"Which one? Erin or Alison?"

                   -- overheard at the pool
%
I don't NEED to wear a hooded sweatshirt to be cool!
                   -- Mike
%
"You can ride with me. I'm over 60."
"No you're not. You're 16."
     
                   -- Overheard at Cedar Point, where you had to be 60" to
                      ride this one ride...
%
"I'm the student council president."

"Meaning you know why I'm mad at the student council, but really don't
 give a s***?"

                   -- Overheard in the hall at school
%
"She eats potatos and bread...she craps in the damn toilet!! That is no cat!"

                   -- Kate talking about her cat Tyson (the ear-biting cat)
%
K: "Can I call you back? I'm eating dinner"
R: "Oh yeah, what are you eating?"
K: "Oh you know, a spoonful of chocolate frosting, 
    a packet of Taco Bell mild sauce, and a coke... the usual."
%
"Polaroid cameras... those are pretty expensive.
 I think it costs a lot to develop the film, too."

                   -- KD
%
I hate it when strange gourds try to undress you."

         -- Scott N., at a Halloween party when a pumpkin was hitting on him.
%
"Bill Lambir.  Lam-bir. Get it? LAMB and then BEER."

                   -- Aaron
%
"If you want attention, just raise your hand."
                   -- Timothy
%
"Yes, I've been meeting lots of women.  In fact, I have a satchetful of
them. YES! A satchelful of Gulliver's Travels size women."
                   
                   -- Jase
%
"Advertise for free. Send $50."

                   -- Billboard on Peach Street
%
"If you're camping in the woods and you see something red with three
leaves, don't wipe your butt with it cause it's poison ivy."

                   -- Michele Kuchinski
%
If a 2x4 falls on the gym floor and makes a sound, but the pricipal
didn't hear it, did it happen?"

                   -- Overheard while building the set for the school play.
%
"Watch out for the rain showers, 10th grade!"

                   -- Bryce (the seniors were spitting on us.)
%
Wild boars couldn't drag WHAT out of my anus?!?! 
                   -- Ian M. Borton, Esq.
%
"Please keep your hands on the Goddess."

                   -- at the amusement park (Goddess is one of their rides.)
%
"Popularity is like tupperware...overpriced and sold at parties."  

                   -- Melissa
%
"What do you call a stick?"

                   -- H.R., slaughtering a non-returning boomerang joke.
%
You guys should teach your cats what to do if you have a heart attack.

[short pause.]

You know, right as I said that, I realized I just got a glass full of ice
but forgot to put water in it.
           
                   -- Andy
%
"Quoth the raven... smorgasbord."

                   -- Chris, about a raven that went after a small dog.
%
Blake:  "This is gay as hell."
Dennis: "Don't sugar coat it."
     (during wedding pictures...)
%
You... kiddie cocktail drinking pie eater!

                   -- in honor of Dennis, Blake, Aaron, and Chris
%
"Kevin, can we osculate on your hand?"
"Stop masticating at the table!"
                   -- KD and Britt
%
"Need help right soon"
                   -- drunk message from Scott, scribbled on our door.
%
"I'm going home."
         -- Andy Ho, my Chinese friend, while digging in the sand on the beach
%
"Just get on your hands and knees and blow."
                         -- Jenny's advice on how to move the croquet
                            ball to a more desirable location
%
Matt: You just get good cards because they're yours and they like you.
Karen: You guys have played with these cards just as much as I have.
Ed: Yeah, but you stroke them when we leave.
Karen: No, that's what I have cats for.
%
Ed: Mrphaa grrh mwah tagwa
Matt: What did you say? I don't think that's English.
Ed: No, I was speaking 'Spoon'.

                   -- Ed, while eating.
%
"Omniscience is soooo boring!" 

                   -- Joel Martin McTague
%
"Oooh!  Road pizza!"
                   -- Jen, upon seeing a pizza box with pizza in it
                      in the middle of the road up in the mountains.
%
"I can't afford a new car. As for used cars, well I already have one of those."

                   -- Paul's Grandfather
%
"Oh, my gosh! You did NOT just call some guy 'Goat Boy!"'
            -- Abigail Salak, on a comment made about a man with mutton chops.
%
Really, you can do anything on a bed. Beds are awesome. 
They're like big, cushiony floors.

                   -- Karen 
%
"Uncontrolled flight into terrain is usually pilot error." 
                   -- San Francisco Chronical, about an air crash in Guam
%
[Pause. Looks around his desk. Picks up a bag of Fritos.
 Holds it out to Cheryl.]

"Well... wanna chip?"

          -- Matt, after being castigated for forgetting Cheryl's birthday
%
"I don't see how people can eat shrimp cocktail!  People who like it cold
 have never had it hot before!"
                   -- My brother, on shrimp
%
I don't care. I'll have whatever you don't want me to have.

                   -- Karen

%
"You may have known ten thousand people in your life, and you'll only ever
 talk about four or five of them."

                   -- Lari to Sonja
%
Hey! I need you to hand me that cat right now!

                   -- Karen
%
Karen:   Did you have to memorize all of the prepositions when you
         where in middle school?
Matthew: No, I had to memorize all of the nouns.

%
I like spinach, but I wouldn't just sit down and eat it if I were by myself.
                   -- Karen
%
Hey! The McDonald's just turned off!

                  -- Alyssa
%
I've never been in Spain... well, I was in Brussels for 5 hours.

                   -- Karen
%
No, a grape, because a grape is a raisin, and a raisin is silly.

                   -- Karen
%
Me:   I had to kiss your boo-boo.
You:  Listen here Ma'am, that there is no boo-boo!
%
"I'm here, I'm hot, but I've got other people to talk to besides you."

                   -- Michelle Zalas, rejecting a possible boyfriend
%
"Keep out of children."

                   -- on a machine full of knives in shop class
%
You guys are flopping around like dead fish! 
                   -- Craig, the Asst. Band Director
%
"You are demented. Get in your personal space and stay there!"

                   -- Kim
%
"Yeah, thrust all the responsibility on the woman why don't you?"

                   -- Ellie, the only female in the room.
%
"There's a technological breakthrough on your left elbow"

                   -- Ellie (Don't ask.)
%
"I'm not going to throw a piece of frosting encrusted cake in your direction"

                   -- Dr. French
%
Jim: "I'll call you this weekend"
Ellie: "It already IS this weekend!"

  -- Me talking on the phone to my ex, on a Saturday afternoon, 
     before he was my ex.
%
Erwin: "Where are you going?"
James: "To my woom"
Erwin: "Your WOMB? That's a long, tight trip!"
%
"Mom, can I have some breakfast dessert?"

                   -- Ellie
%
Ellie:  "You weren't even BORN when I was 2, you don't know."
Andrew: "Yeah, well I was a little egg with arms and legs, and I looked
         out of Mommy's bellybutton and watched you eat blue jean pulp."
%
"Ewww! There's a little thing on my foot! Would you please 
 brush it off? CAREFULLY?????"
                   
                   -- Ellie
%
On the Help Desk telephone:

"So you need a termimal emulation program. How many function-keys does
your terminal have? .... 35!? That's not a terminal, that's a piano!"

%
"No Mommy, I couldn't have been born head-first, because my feet would
get hung up on the way out!"

                   -- 5 year old daughter
%
"It isn't everybody who can laugh out of that orifice."

                   -- Ellie's Dad
%
"Next thing you know, it'll wake you up snorking, if you are Daddy"

                   -- Ellie's mom, on Ellie's dad's snoring
%
"You've never seen anyone write a letter to future generations on a
 Kleenex before?"

         --Ellie, after writing something on a Kleenex due to lack of paper.
%
"How do you light a candle stuck in an anal crevice?"
"I don't WANT a candle there!"

                   -- some conversation Ellie found on IRC
%
Money can do anything.  Why, it can help stamp out poverty.
                   
                   -- Some guy who has sold $9 million worth of knives.
%
Ellie:   We need to go to the men's hangy things.
Melissa: Men's hangy things?
Ellie:   You know what I mean.
Melissa: No I don't and I don't want to either.
%
"If you pinched the pansies, it must be gorgeous outside"

                   -- Ellie's Dad
%
"I found a white fuzzy thing down between my legs and it turned out to be a 
 french fry"

                   -- Ellie's Dad, after eating lunch with a cat in his lap.
%
"Heigh-o silver and a cloud of fur and off she goes!"

                   -- Ellie's dad, after a cat jumped out of his lap.
%
"You can't carry that. You haven't sniffed it yet."

                   -- Ellie's Dad
%
"My lemon merengue pie has phasmically coagulated!"

                   -- a member of the Radford Role-Players Guild
%
"When reality comes knocking I am NOT answering the door!"

                   -- Ellie
%
Ellie (acting like a baby, age 8): "Waaaahhhhhhh!!!"
Ellie's brother, age 5: "Dumb baby!"
Store clerk: "Don't hurt the baby!"
Ellie's brother: "It's not a baby, it's just my sister!"
%
"How can he die under the bed in the bathtub?"

                   -- Ellie
%
"I'm a Jedi of the Far Side"
 
                   -- Brent
%
"Molecules are lazy, just like organic chemists."
                 
                   -- Dr. French
%
"I'm no religion, thank God!"

                   -- Ceree
%
"I'd like to announce that we're having an unannounced quiz tommorrow."

                   -- Dr. French
%
"Even if you get F's, you're still good students!"

                   -- Dr. French
%
"Sometimes technology does not suck."

                   -- Dr. French
%
"Do witches run spell checkers?"

                   -- Marla
%
"How good it is when wishing is done and fairy queens and all the things
 eat their eyeballs out!"

                   -- Ellie's brother, altering a song from some movie
%
"Sizzy needs a dose of medicine, a bug in her eye, a stop and go light
 on her cheek, And she can't play with Angela, Angela, Angela!"

     -- Ellie's brother, age 4, singing to Ellie, age 7, when she was sick.
%
"Breddette Batteries!!!"

                   --Ellie's brother at about age 3
%
"Boy, if someone followed me around with a quote book they'd get 
 a lot of good ones from me!"

        --Ellie, commenting on how a lot of the quotes on her Quote List
          were things she said herself.
%
Marla: "Did he talk to you about it?"
Ellie: "Who, the Wizard of Oz? He doesn't talk to me; someone else takes
        care of that."

 -- conversation on IRC; Ellie had just played a sound from the Wizard of Oz.
%
"Go evil twin someone else."

                   -- Ellie on IRC, after someone "borrowed" her nickname
%
"Hey you! Get back here! I need a replacement!"

                   -- Ellie
%
"Hey guys... look at me... I smell funny!"

        -- Jaye ("Parky") on IRC, where we could neither see nor smell him.
%
"You're a disgrace to twindom world wide!"

                   -- John
%
"Where's that flux capacitor when you need it? I just ran into my past
 self on here!"

         -- Ellie, on IRC after switching servers and running into herself.
%
"Who got conked over the head and made me the chef?"

                   -- Ellie, after being asked to cook dinner.
%
"I don't need an over-the-shoulder boulder-holder, I need an
 over-the-shoulder ummm... what's something flat?"

     -- Ellie, after having watched the movie "Beaches", commenting on the
        Otto Titsling song.
%
"Uhhh I though you were Room 107 and you had my pizza! Yeah that's it!"

   -- Some fraternity guy who was most likely drunk, stoned, and/or a moron.
%
"I like it, I just don't have the taste for it!"

                   -- Ellie's brother
%
"Be quiet or I'll whap you with the wooden ritual rattle!"

                   -- Ellie
%
"Don't you ever kiss me when you are a girl!"

                   -- Dina, on IRC, to a male using a feminine nickname.
%
"Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave... pop goes the weasel!"

                   -- Overheard on IRC 
%
I don't envy myself right now.

              -- Benji, driving on the interstate.
%
It's go "forward". Don't ever say "straight" to me, woman.

             -- Kate
%
But anyway -- not to be vain or anything -- I really like
the shape of my fingernails.

            -- Benji, at the movies
%
Mom, if you leave Dad tomorrow and run off with David Copperfield,
I'll disinherit you!

               -- Karen
%
Well, of course David Copperfield is better looking than you....
 
But I like you better....
 
Well, actually... I don't know him very well...

        -- Karen's mom, to Karen's dad
%
So if you're gonna touch me, touch me hard.

[pause]

See, that's why I need a girlfriend so I can say stuff like that to her.

       -- Benji, to his sister.
%
There's something slurpy in your shoulders.

            -- Cheri

%
Paul: Hey Benji! Wake up!
Benji: I'm naked.
Paul: Okay. Want some hamburgers?

%
What do you mean, french fries aren't a food group?
                   -- Melissa
%
Umm, Jason, why doesn't that tractor have tires?
                   -- Rachel
%
"Jane Deere"

                   -- The label on the side of our friend Diane's tractor.
%
Hey Chill, have a mental margarita.
                   -- Andrea, wishing she could have a real one.
%
"Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism."

                   -- Carl Beaudry (until you can prove otherwise)
%
"It's all your fault!"        
                   -- Daniel "Fluffy"
%
"Well, what the hell'd you expect, pushing the button marked 'Do Not Press'?"
                   -- Daniel "Fluffy"
%
"Oh, come on, you can do better than that, you ill-begotten son of a wombat!"

                   -- Daniel "Fluffy"
%
"Shut up, forks!"  
                   -- Jennie "Olga"
%
"Death, Destruction, and Carnage"      

... later that month ...

"Death, Destruction, and ... oh forget it."

                   -- Daniel "Fluffy"
%
"Are you a hermaphrodite table?" 

                   -- Daniel "Fluffy"
%
"Your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower."

                   -- Mr. Horowitz

"Oh, yeah? Well, bite me"                

                   -- One of us to Mr. Horowitz
%
"If at first you don't succeed, quickly deny you were even trying." 

                   -- Daniel "Fluffy"
%
"They should KILL that f****** clown!"
                   -- Jaryn Lutkin, upon entering McDonalds
%
I wish I was a cat.  Then I could just lay around all day and eat
garbage.  That would be great.

                   -- Chris Klein
%
I am a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class... especially
since I rule.
                   -- Randal
%
You know, if stupidity was a river, you would be... a really big river.
                                                      
                   -- Tomas Terfloth
%
So anyway, I was standing in line, when this GODDESS walks in.  I mean, she
was, like, the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen. So I was just standing
there, staring at her. Then, after about 5 minutes, I looked up at her face,
and she was staring back at me. So I looked at the guy she was with, and he
was staring at me too. So I ran.

                   -- Chris Garson
%
Hey, nice baby.  Want another one?

                   -- Ed Dusseault, on seeing an attractive mother
%
"Mmmmm... pie...."

                 -- Tomas Terfloth and Devin Martyniuk, in every math class
                    for two years, every time that 'pi' was written or said.

%
If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!

                -- Tomas Terfloth, to Jaryn's mom, right before a road trip.
%
I thought it was a marashino cherry!  I swear!

                   -- Jaryn's mom, a.k.a. DeadMeat, after she bit her
                      husband's lip so hard that it bled.
%
Her:  You're never satisfied, are you?
Me:   Well, sometimes I am.  You want to know when I'm most satisfied?
Her:  NO!
Me:   I am most satisfied when there is a good movie on t.v., and I
      have my own bag of chips.

[pause]

Her:  You really need a girlfriend.
%
You know, it's really a shame that Shaquille O'Neal thinks he's an actor.

                   -- Benji
%
"So what you're saying is, you can't spit on people?"
                   -- Ali
%
"This would work if you used your head for more than an ear divider."
                   -- My algebra teacher
%
M: "Scott got hit by a parked car again."
S: "Oh, I did not! It just wasn't moving, is all."
M: "Is anyone surprised???"
%
After a religion class concerning the ten commandments:

Melissa: There's so many thing ya can't do with your neighbors wife:
         you can't covet her or her stuff, ya can't lie to her and 
         ya can't kill her.
Becca:   You know, for some odd reason, I agree with you.
Melissa: They'll probably outlaw tupperware parties next.
%
"Becca's head looks like a turnip. And I've known her for eight years."
                   -- Amanda
%
Melissa: You know, the island with the galloping tortoises.
Amanda:  You mean the Galapagos Islands? 
Melissa: Yeah, them. I always thought tortoises were slow.
%
"I wish I was still up there, instead of down there"
          -- Lucas, after sitting down and falling through an old lawn chair.
%
"I'm still confident that it will not rain today. And I'm not saying 
 that because I'm blond."

           -- Ali, after a whole day in the pouring rain at an amusement park.
%
"No, really, who is Sean Connery? Does he go to our school?"
                   -- Tammy, after having too much Surge.
%
"I'd feel a lot better if there weren't M&M's in my ear."
                   -- Anthony
%
"Blue food is unnatural."
                   -- Marisa
%
" How come all the cute guys live in the TV and won't come out?"
                   -- Melissa
%
"I've been noticing that short people have big teeth."
                   --  Melissa
%
"Well, you should have told me they were there. I wasn't looking" 

                 -- Sam, after running into a stack of tables with a tractor.
%
Sam:      This is the world's coolest goat.
The Lady: Why?
Sam:      Um, I think it's because she's a little crazy upstairs.
%
"It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't screwed up like that"
                   -- Sam
%
"I really wish you wouldn't mummify me yet"

                   -- Jimmy
%
"This is abysmal. I broke my nose"

                   -- Jessie D.
%
You see, there's two things you got to remember.... wait.
Is it two, or one? 

                   -- Mike
%
Cheri: There's a difference between "torment" and "happy".
Celia: Well, for you....

%
"ALIENS ARE IN THE FOREST!!!"
                 
                   -- Michelle Zalas, after noticing some weird skeleton and
                      not being able to figure out what it was.
%
"Beware... the clowns...."

                   -- Michelle Zalas, after 2 glasses of punch.
%
I want something small to eat -- like a cake.  
               
                   -- Genna Stelling.
%
How many points do you get for a 3-pointer?
                   -- Katrina Meyer
%
The fetal position doesn't normally include having a man between your legs.

                    -- Karen
%
You can think about my shirt being unbuttoned, and you can think about
this weekend, but not individually.

                    -- My girlfriend
%
You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now.

		   -- from Benji's latest fortune cookie
%
I had butterflies so bad they were coming out of my body
and hitting the walls.

		    -- Jessie Schuck, 7, reflecting on the first day of
			school entering the 2nd grade.
%
It is hotter than the Hinges of He**!

                   -- Kimberly Warzelha, who also says: If you do not get
                      this you are more lost than I am!
%
I can see clearly, now that the brain is gone.
                   -- My mother, Janice Feryanitz 
                      (also an operating room nurse in Colorado)
%
"Root beer's good, when you're drinking it."  
           
                   -- Alex Nardone, Northeastern University
%
"It's trivial and pointless, and besides, I'm not telling you!"

                   -- Ellie
%
"200 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal."

                   -- Overheard on IRC by Ellie
%
"I shall return. It's off to the death machine trampoline with me."

                   -- Overheard on IRC by Ellie
%
"I'm sure glad my ancestors did not invent the flush toilet. Then
 my name would be crap. Poor Thomas Crapper."

                   -- John
%
"Ok now I've done it. I have little sheep clones all over my computer!"

                   -- Ellie, after downloading a file called lamb.exe that
                      makes sheep run through the windows on your computer.
%
"I want to just go into my computer and hug it!"

                   -- Ellie, about this little sheep that was roaming around
                      her computer screen due to a program called lamb.exe.
%
"I'm gonna beat your butt into the ground so hard you'll feel it!"

                   -- Ellie's brother trying to be tough
%
"All Bobs must die!! ... Ok, ok, so I have an unhealthy obsession with
 death. So?"
 
                   -- Daniel "Fluffy"
%
"I'm naming my dessicator 'Little S**t Head'."

    -- Ellie, in Quantitative Analysis Lab, after her teacher told the
       students to treat the dessicators (lab equipment) like they were
       their babies, and to name them.
%
"You abstracted that thing and you stuck it back in there!"

                   -- Dr. Ford, Ellie's calculus teacher
%
"I'm just waiting for my cheap sex toy to show up."

                   -- Helen
%
"That guest is dead now. She died of an overdose. Don't take offense."

            -- Ellie's ex, about a girl on Geraldo he thought looked like her.
%
"The intro and commercial break thingies on this show are weird"

                   -- Ellie, while watching MTV's Top 10 Breakdown.
%
It's like what they say in Buddhism....when you pee on a penny,
you will come back and be a peed-on penny.
                   -- Howard
%
I think that "sense of reality" must be something on the Y chromosome.

                   -- Nich
%
Nich: You know, every time you supress a sneeze, it kills 200,000 brain cells.
Matt: Hey. You just made that up, just now.
Nich: Yeah you're right.

%
Nich: You're born naked, and you die naked.
Matt: Well, if you're planning on being electrocuted in the bathtub.
%
"I'm so high on life, I'm afraid of dying and having flashbacks."
                   -- Bob Webb
%
"I've got a bag down my pants."
                   -- Courtney 
%
"...you can look inside my empty Skittles bag."

"There's a stop-motion animation film festival going on in there!

                   -- Katie and Megan
%
"He's pinching me! He's a woman!"

                   -- Ryan Mitcha-waza-kowski
%
"I'm not saying God's a girl..."
                   -- Mrs. Zeidler
%
"Need a quick fire extinguisher? Take a guinea pig and squeeze it!"
                   -- Megan
%
"Don't eat my elbow!"
                   -- Katie
%
"Stop blowing up the dog!"
                   -- Mom
%
"Don't lick the fuse!"
                   -- Megan
"Don't question my dupe."
                   -- Katie
%
"They're not intrepid, they're blue."
                   -- Megan
%
"Rats don't melt."
"Are you sure?"
                   -- Megan and Katie
%
"I've never understood Triscuits."
                   -- Megan
%
"Lordie, Lordie, Lordie, he's not wearing any pants!"
                   -- Megan
%
"He looked way too Itallian for his own good. I would look at him and think,
'Hello, my name is Mario, I could eat you.'"

                   -- Megan 
%
"I could get more help looking at a tomato."
                   -- Mom
%
"Maybe after dark, the jack fairies will come and put all of the
jacks up."

                   -- Kathy, at the end of a day of building a house.
                      (Jacks are the part of a building frame that go above 
                       the windows to hold up your roof.)

%
"That doesn't smell like an ocean breeze, it smells like a 
 urinal disinfectant."

                   -- Jen's mom, about a candle

%
If there's a will, I wanna be in it.
                   -- Jaysen
%
"We're heading for oblibion!"

                   -- Michael Connor

%
I wonder if they looked at me funny because I made that gross noise, or if
it was because I'm a car.

                   -- Karen
%
Restaurants should have pet sections. You know, like they have smoking
sections. They could have non-pet non-smoking, pet non-smoking, non-pet
smoking, and pet smoking. That way, if you had food left, but didn't want
to take it home, you could feed it to them.

                   -- Karen
%
Also, don't you think they should allow pets on airplanes? They could have
sections with little patches of grass....

                   -- Karen
%
I can't think of anything I've forgotten.

                   -- Karen
%
You should have seen the dog when I did that to HIS leg!
                                 
                   -- Overheard late at night at 7-11.
%
"Those bad guys are going to get medieval on your heiney!"

                   -- Ellie's brother, to Ellie, while she was playing Q-Bert.
%
"What is the probability of having three boys in a row all be male?"

                   -- Ellie's Human Genetics professor
%
"I pride myself on having practically impossible-to-figure-out nicknames."

                   -- Ellie
%
"Something in this lab smells terrifying."

                   -- Ellie
%
If you don't shut up, I'm going to light you on fire.

                   -- Overheard at EDGEFEST
%
"I'm gonna be stalked!"

                   -- Paul Baker, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
%
"WHAT is that noise?"
       -- The response to the phone ringing at the Issaquah Crown Books store.
%
You didn't say it the way I think I should have heard it. 
                   -- SG, during a lover's argument
%
"If the shoe fits, it's probably someone else's."
                   -- Jason Parker
%
"Bob hates you all"

                   -- message on a sidewalk in Boston
%
"My Peter Pan existence is being threatened!"
                   -- N. Jones, upon graduating from college.
%
"I'm going to slap you naked and hide your clothes!" 

                   -- anonymous Latin Teacher
%
That boy fell out of the ugly tree and hit the fat rock at the bottom! 
                   -- Jamie C.
%
"Everyone strives to be Hootie, thought most are destined to be mere Blowfish."

                   -- Brian L. Garrett 1996
%
"Yeah, It's too bad you're in MMMJunior High. When you hit MMMPuberty, then
 we'll see if you still feel the same."

                   -- Kate, after hearing some girls on MTV saying that
                      anyone who doesn't like Hanson is 'MMMJealous'

%
"If you were sitting here and I was you, you'd be laughing too."

                   -- Bri
%
"I'm gonna use my awesome mental powers to make Vince do something stupid."
                      
                   -- Kevin Mckinnon
%
"Okay, people, one last time.  It's not Shakesphere, it's not
 Shakespeer, it's Shakespeare.  And Macbeth is NOT a burger."

                   -- my English prof
%
"If I were a martini, I would like to be drunk by Peter O'Toole, circa 1967."

                   -- Marianne at alt.gnashing-teeth
%
At a Country & Western concert:

Susan: "Look at all this BIG hair.  I feel like a pinhead in the cotton 
        candy forest." 

Susan's friend: "You're not used to this?" 

Susan: "Well, I have seen big hair, but usually it's spiked.  I have not 
        seen a single Mohawk all night."  
%
"Ummmm.... you mean we need money?"

                   -- Michael, heard talking to bouncer while trying to
                      get into a Poster Children concert.
%
"Let us? They make us"

                   -- Tapish, when asked whether they let him have what he
                      cooks in his hotel management class.
%
"I couldn't make a correct decision if it were written out for me."
                   -- Christopher Moores
%
"You got me right between the fore-eyes." 
                   -- Michael Tergoning
%
"Ioooooooooooooo!"
                    -- Travis Budd, when asked to read "1,000,000".
%
"Amnesia water falling from the sky! It makes everyone forget which pedal
 makes the go."

     -- Jen N. commenting on Seattle resident's fear of driving in the rain.
%
"I don't want to have lungs!  That's cool!"
           -- Julie J's reply to Jen N's comment that ants don't have lungs.
%
"Yeah!  I scored a pickle!!!"
	           -- Julie J. when Jen let her have the pickle garnish.
%
"I'm not upside-down writer hand."

       -- Jen N.  What she meant to say was, "I can't write upside-down."
%
"I guess we could just talk to each other, face to face." 
      -- boy to a girl, when there were no computers to sit at and chat on.
%
No brain, no headache!

                   -- Jerry Ziehme
%

"Pick up your garbage and litter."

(In the preceding sentence garbage is understood to be a noun, litter being
used as an imperative verb, hence creating a humorous effect. Which I have
now ruined by way of explanation, but at least you get the joke. Or do you?)
 
                   -- Theresa Ryan
%
"This means it's time to buy a new CD."

                    -- Phil, after staring sadly at his music collection
                       for five minutes, unable to make a choice.
%
"Help! Our restaurant is falling apart and we've patched the
 walls together with sour cream and guacamole."

            -- Matthew, explaining the decor at the new 
               mexican restaurant.
%
I think I'm invisible now. Can you guys see me?

                    -- Laura, after quite a bit of wine.

%
Cheese on Tuesdays... Every day is Cheese Day!

                   -- Midge
%
Julie:  "I got you!!  I won!!"
Matt:  "It's easy to win when you are the only one who knows the rules."
%
Too bad one of Princess Diana's causes wasn't "seatbelt usage".

                   -- Craig F.
%
For every virtue that exists there's a corresponding derogatory term
used by those who don't share it.

                   -- Keith Ammann
%
I didn't drool on you. I was just wiping my mouth on your shirt.

                   -- Karen
%
I'm having a phlegm problem tonight. 

                   -- Karen
%
FX is available in zip code 46526 from the
following cable operator(s):

Heritage Cablevision Assoc.

However, FX is NOT available in zip code 
46526 from the following cable operator(s):

Heritage Cablevision Assoc.

                   -- The FX web site (Thanks guys -- it's all clear now!)

%
If everyone had a can of play-doh in their favorite colour, then there 
would be no violence in the world, only a bunch of content people.

                   -- Kate Dennis
%
Kids can buy bullets, but they have to throw them at people.

                   -- Matthew, explaining Wal-Mart's policy of requiring you
                      to be 21 to buy guns but only 16 to buy ammo.
%
When life hands you lemons, pucker up!
   
                   -- Kelli Girl
%
May the twinkle in your eye never be due to the fact that it is glass!
       
                   -- Kelli Girl
%
All the world's a stage -- don't let yourself be the cue card person!

                   -- Kelli Girl
%
"I think it's adult contemporary music.  The lyrics are full of
 new innovative obscenities."

                   -- Paul

%
"Some people say that cockroaches and rats will outlive humanity, since only
 they could survive a nuclear war. I think that humans are just as ruthless,
 tenacious and prolific, and that the last meal of the last human, will be
 the last rat, with the last cockroach as an appetizer."

                   -- Craig F.
%
What's important is to keep the main thing the main thing.

                   -- Vanessa Powell, Elementary School Teacher
%
It's too friggin' hot to play football.
                   -- John Manansala
%
Am I not talking right?
                   -- Bob Trahon (the boss)
%
You just like to say their name: "Atari Teenage Riot."
                   -- Karen Keeler
%
My best prank call:

Woman:  Hello?
Me:     Mom?
Woman:  Kenny?
Me:     Mom, I got arrested.  I need picked up at the police station.
Woman:  What did you do?
Me:     I got pulled over and I had drugs on me.
Woman:  I'll be there in a little while.
Me:     I love you mom.
Woman:  Goodbye, Kenny.

                   -- Curt Easterwood and an unknown woman
%
This site could use a little more black and blue color. I think I'm going to
punch my monitor.
                   
         --Curt's thoughts about this Damn Good (albeit black and blue) site.
%
Kopesetic??  That is NOT a word.  What passes for lyrics these days?

                 --My brother, Craig, talking about LOCAL H's only good song
%
Me answering a page:

Crazy lady:  "Arizona messaging.  Can I help you?"
Me:          "Yeah, I was paged to this number..."
Crazy lady:  "Do you have an account with us?"
ME:          "I don't know, you called me?"
Crazy lady:  "Who are you?"
Me:          "Ummm, goodbye..."
Phone:       "Click."

                Curt E. (BTW: my account is with PageNet, not AZ Messaging)
%
"Veni, Vidi, Scarfi, Barfi -- we came, we saw, we ate too much, we got sick."
        
                   -- Alan Cheville
%
Leigh Ann spotted Tommy and a friend at class registration at the
local college....

Leigh Ann:  "What class did you guys just sign up for?"
Tommy:      "English 1302"
Leigh Ann:  "Ewwwwwww! You have to read books and stuff!"
%
The sun fell on my head during the night. The rest of the solar system
seems okay though.

                   -- Matthew
%
"Is that referring to the space between your ears?"

          -- Michelle Zalas, responding to a guy called "Deadzone" on IRC
%
"You know, if they hate dyslexics that much, they should form a group
called D.A.P.-People Against Dyslexia."

                   -- Michelle Zalas
%
Karen:   Well, everybody talks about me, of course, because I'm so cool.
Matthew: I'm glad you're so humble.
Karen:   Hey, I'm *way* more humble than you!
%
%
"COMMUNISTS!!!" 

           -- Michelle Zalas, after being asked to do a problem at the board. 
%
"Those freshmen are so cute... I wish I had a gun."
               -- Michelle Zalas, about some annoying freshmen down the hall.
%
I'm so far behind, I'm planning for yesterday.
                   -- Doug Abels
%
"Like a white suit with cheap rice all over it."
                   -- Edward
%
"It is permanent, at least for now."
                   -- Edward
%
"He has less personality than a mashed potato sandwich."
                   -- J. Alexander
%
You can't push with a rope.
                   -- Physics professor, describing compression and tension.
%
No no, that's MEAN.  

            -- 15 year old Sharie, upon hearing someone insult someone else.
%
"Melpyou?"

                   -- Mike "Bubbles" Madril, imitating the drive-thru window
                      guys at Taco Bell in Pueblo, Colorado.

%
"Fleesha, close the door! I'm melting!"  

                   -- Perry, age 4, when his sister wouldn't close the
                      screen door in the middle of December when it was 10
                      degrees outside.
%
"Meet me in Bwokkwyn an we'll dwo cwoffe!"
                   -- Bethany Scholl's bad New York accent
%
We can alter the spicy.

                   -- From the menu at Wok This Way, Chinese restaurant.
%
I tried calling Gambler's Anonymous, but they only gave me two to one that I
would recover.

                   -- Overheard by Ed and Val at a craps table in Reno, NV.
%
Ed:  What time is it?
Val: Ten.
Ed:  O'Clock?
%
And it even has my name signed in it... with the S spelled backwards and
everything.... I guess that would be "written backwards" -- I would have
been a pretty dumb kid to misspell an S.

                   -- Celestial Voice
%
"He who hesitates... is still there...." 
                   -- J. Kazawic
%
My trig teacher, Mr. Seiler:  "Round this up and what do you get?"
Skip:  "Another day older and deeper in debt?"

%
Jennifer:  "I can't get this dang phone to work!"
Tim:        "You're trying to call Dan Fogleberg?"
%
"It sure is a great lake."
                   -- Mary, looking at Lake Michigan
%
Mr. Seiler: "Ok, we'll call this point A, and this point B.  What can we
              call this point?"
Skip: "Big Bob?"
%
"You know, if it weren't for the alcohol, beer would be a health food."
                   -- Chuck
%
"It doesn't count unless they fall down."
                   -- Michele, after bumping a pedestrian on the streets of
                      Daytona Beach during Spring Break.
%
Me:   His name is Chance, as in "Give me a chance."
Dad:  More like, "Chance, as in, You don't have a chance."
%
Beth:  Do you have any old clothes you want to sell in our yard sale?
Jennifer:  No...my mom gave all my old clothes to the stupid needy!
%
"He who hangs himself -- dies" 
                   -- a midwestern expression, according to J. Alexander
%
"There is no gravity ... the Earth just sucks"
                   -- Physics Professor, NJIT
%
"Hey, I have shirt exactly like that, only it's completely different."
                   -- JMUer
%
When in doubt, be vague
                   -- Jenn Book
%
"Where's my thing?"
                   -- Michelle Zalas, looking for her binder
%
I have an Eddie Murphy laugh.  Don't twist my head off.
                   -- Erin Smith, at Denny's, way too late at night
%
"When all your dreams turn to dust... VACUUM!!"
                   -- Sign above a vacuum repair shop.
%
"The universe is actively evil and passively good."

                   -- Z. James Wang
%
"You don't want the patient to become vibrator dependent." 
                   -- Occupational therapy instructor
%
Life isn't choreographed; that's why I fall down a lot.

                   -- Sacha Duncan
%
"Do you think that if I could open it myself I would still BE here?"
                   -- Ellie
%
"Well I have been here so long that if there was a way I could open it I
could have found it by now"

                   -- Ellie
%
"Ahh, fresh and clean. I am the anticrust."
                   -- Thomas
%
"I shot you right between the nose!"
                   -- Justin
%
"That hurts... never roll on the floor if you don't have much rolling room."

                   -- Ellie
%
"ASJAUMA"  
                   -- an interpretation of "Ask your mom" by Doc and Fudge 
                      when they were playing scrabble.
%
"The movie is rated R. I'm hoping for the best." 
                   -- Chris, Cal State, Bakersfield
%
"Hey baby, my love is like a wrecking ball. Wanna help me swing it?"
                   -- James Sproul, Bakersfield College
%
"Is that a circumsized circle?"

                   -- Miles Travis, when asked to identify a circumscribed
                      circle in geometry class.
%
Ang: Does Andy have amonia? (Asking if Andy is sick...)
Rachel: Only in his windex!         
%
Rachel: What college are you looking at, Jon?
Jon: Carnige-Melon.
Rachel: OOh.. Fruity College.
%
"Don't laugh. It really hurt."
                   
                   -- Rajesh (a.k.a. Big Nose), about when he accidentaly
                      stuck his lips to an icicle in the freezer
%
"I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting... bored."
                  -- David Wrensen (a.k.a. Nose Pick), on a very boring day.
%
"Uh, did you just purposely dis yourself?"
                   -- Chad Munkres (a.k.a. Cheetah Chad), to Ryan 
                      (a.k.a. Buddy), who called himself an idiot.
%
"So, you've got a gun.  Big deal.  _I've_ got this!"

                   -- Paul, grabbing the security guard's spork and holding
                      it threateningly at the man's neck.
%
Elizabeth:  Can I have fifty cents?
Tony:       You need some shrimp?

(Elizabeth wanted a drink while Tony fished.)
%
"Where's the beef?"
           -- Heather, at McDonald's, after getting burgers with no patties.
%
cashier:  You from 'round here?
Heather:  Yes.
cashier:  You from North Carolina?
Heather:  Yeah.
cashier:  You American?
Heather:  No.
%
"Hi..this is my bed, not a Fry-Daddy." 
                   -- Juliet
%
"Yeah, I look at it once in a while, but it's not like I have a prescription
 or anything..."

                   -- Tom, when asked if he reads Playboy.
%
"What's a buzz feel like?"
                   -- Heather, upon drinking for the first time.
%
my boss:  I pay weekly.
me:  Yeah, very weakly.
%
"Leave me alone.  I have to wake up in 15 minutes."
                   -- Heather, after a really long night.
%
Michelle:  Did you know that children learn languages better the younger
           they are?
Wendy:  Then why don't French babies cry "le waaah?"
%
"I just saw My Best Friend's Funeral."
                   -- major Freudian slip after fight with my ex-best friend.
%
friend: So, what do you think?
me:  It was like the Hokey Pokey.

(after my first visit to a Catholic church)
%
"There's a difference between being creative and being Jesus."
                   -- Keisha
%
"I think if we ever find a gateway to another universe we'll find that 
 it's actually full of beer."
                   -- Nat Jordan
%
Don't ride a bike or motorcyle without shoes on. It is very painful! 
                   -- Anna Devret
%
Flailing dinosaurs are a danger to everyone.
                   -- Eric
%
"Hey baby, I'll give you the best night of my life!"

                   -- Me experiencing a brain typo
%
Matthew: Having a TV in the kitchen is a bad idea.
Karen:   Know what's worse? Having a kitchen in the bedroom.
%
You'll never catch me walking down the street carrying the 
head of a snowman!

                   -- Karen
%
"No, the pressure's too great!  I can't bite your tongue with it
 sticking out there like that!"

                   -- Paul
%
"Marshmellow Peeps?  Bad for you... bad for the earth... bad bad bad."

              -- Moby, to Paul, in critique of the latter's eating habits.
%
"Oh great, so now I'm the bad guy?"

         -- R Schwemle, after rear ending a police car sitting at a light.
%
"I think something's wrong with the washing machine.  The clothes just keep
 going around and around, but no water is coming out."

     -- Michele, after putting all her clothes and detergent in the dryer.
%
"Oh, I wish my roommate were here.  She's a vegetarian."

      -- Alice, when her neighbor needed CPR. Alice's roommate was a
         veterinarian. (Who also didn't eat meat....)

%
%
"I would rather go home and play with myself every night than come
 home to that.  Look at her.  She's a FREAK!"

                   -- Jon, referring to Stephen's girlfriend
%
Beth: "So what are you guys taking for intercourse?"
Jon:  "Well...we know what your thinking about."
Beth: "What did I say?"

                   -- Beth, trying to figure out what classes to take for 
                      the four-week interSESSION.
%
My sister Nicole, y Grandma E, and I at a red light next to some 
guys with beanies on....

Grandma E: Don't look at them -- for all we know they could have guns; you
           just can't trust anyone these days.
Nicole & I: Oh god, Grandma E -- nothing's gonna happen. Relax!
Grandma E:  Well they look suspicious with those dark caps.
%
Which way is the ocean?

                 -- the ever quotable Grandma E, while visiting St. Louis.
%
You don't think that just because I'm a grandma, that means that I don't
check out other peoples' bodies?

                   -- Grandma E
%
Can I have a hamburger with no meat, cheese, or mayo, please?

                   -- My vegetarian friend July Sanders at McDonald's.
%
My English teacher threatened to spank me again today.

                   -- Felicia  
%
Hi. My name is felicia, and I work at Wendy's. My manager's name is Dave,
and he's gay.

                   -- Felicia
%
"I've never felt so blonde in my entire life."
                      
           -- Jennifer, visiting a worship service at Temple Adath Israel.

%
"Time wounds all heels" 

                 -- Unintentionally said at a funeral, by my friend, who
                    would be mortified if she saw her name here....

%
"We killed 'em and ate 'em alive."

                   -- Overheard at the Waffle House.

%
"Take off your seatbelt before you get out."
                   -- Mama Rea
%
"Tell them it's to go."
                   -- Mama Rea at the drive-thru window of McDonald's.
%
(Beth yawns really big and doesn't bother to cover her mouth.)

Brad looking at her:  "You're hired."
%
"Hey...I didn't know Bocephus was in concert tonight with Hank Williams
 Jr. I just saw his bus downtown at the arena."
                   -- Jenny...obviously not a country music fan
%
(Amber, practicing her piano song for that night's church service.)

Mary (listening):  Isn't that a Journey song?
Amber: No... It's a church song.  Cari Walker taught it to me.
Mary:  Cari Walker taught you a Journey song.  That's "Seperate Ways"
       by Journey.
Amber: Well... it's the only song I know, and I have to play it 
       in an hour.  So shut up.
%
"The smaller the town... the bigger the hair."
                   -- Linda Flynn
%
"Need a penny, take a penny.  Need two pennies.. .get a job."
                   -- Sign at a gas station somewhere in Georgia.
%
Mary:  So did you get to first base?
Beth:  First base?  I never left the concession stand.
%
During a women's relaxation class...

Instructor:  Now just let your mind float.  You are walking along the beach
        You are watching the sunset with someone very special to you.
(silence)
Miller starts to laugh
Instructor:  Do you find this amusing?
Miller:  He was telling me a joke.
%
"You're gonna eat this!"
                  -- Jimmy, 5 years old, stuffing grass in a turtle's shell.
%
"Your hair looks good.... From the back."
                   -- Melena
%
Hell... It's only my mother-in-law.
                  -- Kevin, upon using his Caller Id for the first time.
%
Shannon: Life's hard and then you die.
Jessica: And that's the good part!
%
Eat bananas, 'cause it's not just a fruit, it's a way of life!
                   -- Colleen
%
I'm a real connoisseur you know... with the emphasis on 'sewer'.

                   -- Bob
%
%
"OK, now that you're all logged on to the computers, I want you
to log out and then use the programs."

                   -- Wally DeBord (a.k.a. DeReallyBored), the worst
                      Internet teacher you ever can have.
%
It's my don't-pay-a-cent event. I don't pay a dime til '99.

         -- Dave, referring to when I'd get paid for the guitar I sold him.
%
"You know, maybe that was kinda stupid."

                   -- My 18 year old friend, after slashing the tires of his
                      parents' car for grounding him.
%
"Think it'll come out in the wash?" 

                   -- My friend refering to a three-year-old sticker that
                      he had taken off his wall and taped onto his shirt.
%
"Sexually active people have a higher chance of becoming pregnant."
          
                   -- Mr. Koesters, Religion Teacher
%
I want to be bald like Jay Buhner. Because a bald head is a happy head.

                   -- my nine-year-old cousin David 
%
"I didn't mean to do that.  I thought it was a bathroom."
                   -- Ryan
%
"I don't need a long one; I just need your love."

                   -- Shannon, in response to Wendell's apology for not
                      giving her a long backrub.

%
"My favorite road sign is the one that just says 'MOOSE' on it, because
 really, who are they trying to fool?"

                   -- Ryan

%
"The toys in this machine are not for consuption"
           -- The sign on the gumball machine at Toys 'R' Us in Saskatoon.
%
"The world would be a much prettier place if those blue M&M's would melt in
your hands. Just think -- EVERYTHING BLUE!"

                   -- Mike Lavery
%
"Dont tell me you wouldn't hate Grease even after hearing your Aunt practice
 'Hopelessly Devoted to You' every day for five weeks straight."

                   -- Jason Holliman
%
"You just made me buy a Coke, of all things. You should really watch
 how you wield that rock star influence."

                   -- Jason Holliman, to Steve Malkamus of Pavement.

%
"If I was here to put stuff where it goes, I'd know where it was!"

                   -- frustrated part-time worker on not being able to find
                      misplaced cleaning supplies.
%
%
Shannon: (after tasting something cooking on the stove) This tastes like ...  
         like . . . that sticky stuff on envelopes!
Mom:  Glue?
%
Jess playing a game trying to describe a word that she doesn't know:

Jess:   Horses wear them!!!!!

(The word was Girdle)
%
Shannon playing a game trying to describe a word that she doesn't know:

Shannon:  I have no idea what this is!
Mom:  Pagoda!  (And the word was Pagoda.)

Months later, Chris playing a game trying to describe a word she doesn't know:

Chris:  I have no idea what this is!
Mom:  Pagoda!
%
Darryl, playing a game and trying to describe the wrong word:

Darryl:  We were just doing this in front of the Christmas Tree!
Shannon:  Photography!
Dad:  That's great, but the word was "Pornography".
%
Beth:  "Boy, you are getting on my nerves."
Jonathan:  "Boy?  You'd better feel again."
%
"This music always makes me think of rich people who commit murder."

                   -- Amber, listening to classical music
%
Liz:  I like him so much, I'd lay right down in the floor for him 
      if he asked me to.
Beth: That's good.  It'll make it easier for him to walk all over you.
%
Beth:   How was your day?
Ranjan: We were very busy.  We were running around like
         headless fowl.
Beth:   You mean chickens with your heads cut off?
Ranjan: Whatever.
%
"Get friends who drive!"

 -- Allyson, as a kid on a bike smacked my car as he was crossing the street.
%
"I'm hotter than a well-digger's left nut."

                   -- Jen, in an e-mail during one of the hotter
                      summers New York has ever experienced.
%
I threw the plant across the room because it was attacking some old people
in a boat, and I thought it was going to come after me next.

                   -- Jes (The boat was in a picture in my bathroom).

%
"It's all just semantics until somebody loses an eye."
                   -- Erin Lynn
%
One of the dangers of not paying attention...

Marion: "Look, we're almost at Fort Ord."
Erin:   "No, five, there's one in the back."

       *pause*

       "We're in a hatchback car, right?  So there's four doors in front, and
        one for the trunk."

Everybody: "Ohhhhh."

 *much headshaking*
%
Jimmy, joking: "Break two bottles over your head and call me in the morning."
John: <CRASH> "Ow."
%
"My teeth itch!"  
                   -- Jason, to a waitress after a long night of imbibing,
                      when she asked "How's eveything here?"
%

"Man, its like a desert out here"
                   -- Eric, as he was golfing in Las Vegas
%
"I don't feel drunk. I mean, you're holding me up and everything, but I can
 still talk clearly, I just can't walk. Am I talking? I don't think I'm
 drunk."

                   -- mumbled by Dan, when he was indeed drunk.
%
"Let's act like a fetus, and head out"
    -- shouted by Clancy at the hopital after visiting Dan's newborn son.
%
"I took France in High School"

                   -- Sue, stating that she was the one most qualified to
                      interpret a french phrase.
%
"I've heard that computers' random number algorithms are not truly random.
 However, I've noticed that the T _is_ truly random. I've been pondering the
 possibility of somehow linking the train schedule to a programming library
 of some sort that other programs could call..."

                    -- Random commuter on the T, Boston's
                       predictibly unpredictable subway system.

%
"Hello bus?  What time do you leave?"  

                   -- Margaret, calling the bus depot.
%
"Do you want cheese or lettuce on your taco?"  

                   -- Taco shop waiter to Buck in Seattle in 1970.
%
"Will you chicken fry me a steak?" 

                   -- Dennis, to Tedi, in the company of several friends.
%
"It's the Intel from Hell."

                   -- Benji Krause, on the evil Terminator in T2
%
"For the world is hollow and pig brains are spewing out of her eyes."

            -- My friend Selena's version of the Star Trek episode 
               "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky."
%
"I see the freaking elephant!"
                   -- Cheryl
%
"Well, an orgasm is part of an population, which is part of an ecosystem."

                   -- Tammy, in science class.
%
Jess:  that makes no ... 
Jes (different person, with a totally unrelated comment):  Cheese?
Kelly:  NO CHEESE!  NO CHEESE!!!!

%
Jess: That sign says 100% stoned beef .... 
Jes:  Like ... (acting stoned) ... Moo?

             (the sign said ground beef, but we're both blind ...)
%
Katie (age 7):  Does Daddy believe in God?
Laura:  Yes, he does.  Why?
Katie:  'Cause he's talking to him right now.

             (Katie's father was swearing at the sky in the backyard.)
%
"Does it do zero to sixty?"
	           -- Liz, inquiring about my brother's car.
%
"You can catch more rolling stones with honey than you can with moss."
                   -- S. Candice Campbell of Tulsa, Oklahoma
%
"Get off the cross; we need the wood!"
                   -- Sock'n'Buskin (drama club) sets crew motto.
%
We are going pistachio nuts.
                   -- Anne
%
"A head is a very good invention." -- Emily Blumentritt (age 3), said
while repeatedly banging her head into the sofa.
%
Shannon:  What do bones taste like, Steffi?
Steffi, age 3:   Bones.
%
Typical day at technical support:

Customer: I have this problem: bla bla bla ...
Jeff: uh huh.
Customer: ... bla bla bla ...
Jeff: uh huh.
Customer: ... bla bla bla ...
Jeff: uh huh.
Customer: ... bla bla bla ...
   (for about 15 minutes)
Jeff: So what's your question?
%
%
"It's a case of the blind leading the stupid."

                   -- Brad Bigelow
%
"I need help; there is a french letter on the coke-machine."

                   -- Harry van der Land (a dutch guy) coming back from the
                      drinks machine, on which was a note in French.


%
"If I had to choose between skim milk and death... I'd choose death."

                   -- Carol Ann Langton, while pouring whole milk into
                      her afternoon tea
%
"Ya gotta be so cool to be this square"

       --  Mitch Collier, when ordering Chop Suey at a Chinese restaurant.
%
"There's always room for Glen Livet; it's the grown-up Jello."

                   -- Karen Cahan
%
"I don't bring a date; I bring a tape."

  -- Marty Crabtree, entering a party with a C-90 cassette of obscure bands.
%
Marty: "How is he different?"
Karen: "He's not wearing gym shorts."

    -- Marty asking Karen about an old high school classmate she ran into.
%
"Ah, he did it the right way I would have done it."
                   -- Jack, upon examining some else's source code
%
My, that was exiting.
           -- Julie, after several people spontaneously left the room.
%
Teacher: Have you ever wondered how that could have happened?
Me: No.
Teacher: That was a rhetorical question.  It wasn't meant to be answered.
Me: But that was a rhetorical answer.  It wasn't meant to be questioned.

        -- Dan, in an exchange that got him sent to the back of the room
           for the rest of the sememster.
%
"My favorite occupation is the pursuit of anonymity."

                   -- Karen Cahan of Elkins Park, PA
%
"Fork split my ass."
               -- K Katzin-Nystrom, while trying to open an English muffin.
%
"We're all about to become statistics!"

                   -- a gleeful Kenton Self, as the bus began sliding backwards 
                      down an icy mountain road.
%
"This is gross.  They should really clean this."
      
                   -- A tourist at the Oregon Caves, unhappy with the amount
                      of dirt and mud found within the caverns.

%
"Father McLernan is the 'Lord of the High"'

                   -- Steve B., after several inhalations of Father's
                      volatile chemicals in Chemistry.
%
Joe: What is known as the United States' attic?
Andy: Massachusetts?
Joe: No, the Smithsonian.

(Later...)

Andy: What was the name of Barbara Walters' first television partner?
Joe: Jack Dempsey?
             
                -- During a game of Trivial Pursuit at 2 in the morning.
%
Well, paint me green, dress me in plaid, hang me on a street
corner, and call me mother.... I didn't know that.

                   -- JL Jordan
%
(In a semi-dark house...)

Karen: AAAAAAAAHHH!
Matthew: What?!?
Karen: My hair got in my face and I thought I had run into something.
%
"Why would you eat something that walked around all day clucking?  
 I mean, that just isn't smart food."

                   -- Louisa, a vegetarian, at a high school lunch table.
%
"I can't smoke your shoes"

    -- Chris, after I had asked him to tie my shoes when he was really high.
%
Jives (excited):I got a coupon for free Snapple!
Me: You said you hate Snapple.
Jives: Yeah, but it's free!
Me: Yeah, but so is piss!
%
Alice: Who would win in a fight, Yoda or the Emperor?
Mike: Easy. Yoda, because he's gay.
%
Grandma gave me a present after graduating from medical school.

Grandma: Congratulations!
Me: Toilet paper?
Grandma: So you remember you still have to wipe your ass like everybody else.

(I still keep the roll.)
%
"Oops.  Sorry.  Landmine.  They're indiscriminate, you know." 
                   -- Ann Quarles
%
"Hi, I'm Matt and I'll be your dork this evening."  
                   -- Krista S.
%
"Oh my god, I have a talent!" 

                   -- Katherine Payerle, on the subject of the xylophone guy
                      on Franklin Street.
%
"Oh well, I've just given birth to an idiot." 
           
                   -- Jason Luck, about his hypothetical child's
                      hypothetical failure to pass a standardized test
%
While Provolt and Shawn were on a midnight cruise of town...

Manager of Bill's Super Value: "Okay, boys, what have you done with the 
         turkeys?" 
                
After the manager had left:

Provolt: "What did he think we did? Shove 'em up our shirts?"
%
"It's open season on my breasts when I'M dating someone."
                   -- Mel, while discussing when it's appropriate to get
                      intimate with someone.
%
"I've had people lick MY eyeball... by accident."
                                  
                   -- Mel
%
"When do I get to lick something?"
                   -- Shannon, while baking cookies.
%
"I look like a squirrel."
                   -- Random person on the subway.
%
If "Moby Dick" had been written from Captain Ahab's point of view, would the
opening sentence have been, "Call me Fishmeal"?

                   -- Stanley Anderson, to his wife Angelee.
%
You want to sleep with her next time?

                   -- Gawain Roderick Anderson, age 3, generously, after
                      being asked by his dad, how he enjoyed spending the
                      night with his visiting Godmother.
%
"I gave you a hug.  Now go!"
         
                   -- 5 year old Maddy, after complying with a request to
                      "Give grandpa a hug before he goes."
%
Kiki:  How have your eyes been?  Have you had any problems seeing
       distances?
Julie: I don't know.  I haven't been looking.
%
"Normal people worry me. That's why I'm so comfortable around myself." 
                   -- Heather M.
%
Well, I'm stupid, but I don't go around telling everyone!
                   -- Sarri Lutkin
%
"The 80's was a bad time for everyone's hair."
                   -- Paul

%
"Oh look.  There's a castle in the shape of a hotel."

    -- Shannon, pointing at a hotel with crenellations on its roof.
%
"Why don't I just go upstairs and give myself a swirly?"
                   -- Shannon
%
